Today is Christmas Eve. I woke with a heaviness in my chest as though the weight of your death is trapped inside my rib cage. Funny how the body does this to me from time to time, and there's simply no preventing or controlling it. I can plan and prepare and think I will be just fine, but then I wake up at 7:30 and my first thought is, "It's here." That pressure and sinking feeling, the burning in my stomach, the physical manifestation of Christmastime grief.
I started thinking about Christmas when I was little on Croydon Road. Back when Grandma and Granddaddy Tew would come on Christmas Eve, and we would open gifts with them. I remember one year sitting right by the tree and Grandmother had given me Little House on the Prairie books. I remember the add-a-bead and Barbie Corvette year. I remember going to Grandma Norris's house on Christmas Eve night and eating all the fixings with your side of the family. I remember laying in bed even after I knew the truth about Santa and thinking that maybe, just maybe, it was still possible. Maybe there was magic after all. I miss the days when I believed that magic was still possible.
I ran out to Target this morning and picked up a couple more things. I just didn't feel like what I had for the kids was enough. Sad to feel that way. To think that my kids, who live in a nice house and have most everything they want, might look disappointed with what awaited them tomorrow morning. But I have set the bar high, so it's my fault. But I feel pleased now, and I am hoping they will be, too. I'm sure they will. I don't know why I fret about this from year to year, but it is a lot of pressure.
I'm just weary today, Mama. Plain weary. I feel so empty and lonesome. And I know that this feeling will pass after Christmas is over, but I wish it would go away and never come back. When will it leave forever I wonder? Probably years from now, but I am ready for it. Very much ready.
I'm about to put on makeup. And then Madalyn and I will bake some cookies. And I will go on with the day. And I will try to play my part as best I can. But you will be spinning in my mind all day. All day.
Merry Christmas to you in heaven. Love always...