It hit me today in the seasonal aisle at Walmart as I walked among the pastel colored M&Ms and little bunny shaped chocolates. I saw them, the Cadbury eggs, and the tears welled up inside my eyes unexpectedly. All I wanted to do was pick up a few things for the kids Easter basket, a holiday that, for some reason, this year I would just rather skip over all together. But I thought if I went ahead and got the things I need it would just be out of the way.
So I stood there looking at the Cadbury eggs remembering how we used to call each other at the first sighting. How you or me, whichever saw them first, would buy a pack and share them with each other. How we both loved chocolate so dearly. York peppermint patties, Snicker bars, Three Muskateers, and Butterfingers. And it's like all these memories come flooding in all at once. And suddenly I am 18 again, and we are sitting at the counter at our old house eating together. Or we are at the Dairy Queen eating a Blizzard. It's nothing all that special really, but the fact that it was you and me, mom and daughter, enjoying one another so much... that's what made it so unique.
Damn, I miss that.
Easter is two days before the second anniversary of your death this year. And, to be honest, Mama, I don't even know if I can handle going to church this year. I just don't thing I can bear it. There will be music, and I will lose my composure. And I just don't want to feel anything right now. I just want to let it all pass. To buy the candy for the baskets, to fill them up for the big fake bunny, and to move on. Just move on.
Someone told me that after the second year mark of losing their dad, things seemed to get easier. I hope that's true for me, too. I have tried so hard to keep my head above water, to honor your strength and integrity while you were fighting cancer, but the past several months, it's just been harder. I miss the way things should be. Even though I am all grown up with kids of my own, I still feel like I need your wisdom and support.
I bought two Cadbury eggs today. I ate one on the way home. It was so good. And I can't help but think you're enjoying lots of tasty sweets without this stupid worldly worry of gaining weight. And I can't wait to be there with you some day enjoying a perfect place with no grief or sorrow.
I love you still even though you're gone.
Your baby girl