Monday, August 26, 2013

Mama,

These little notes to you are few and far between, and I never know when I will feel the need to write one.  The funniest things set me off and make me wish I could just pick up the phone one more time to hear your voice, your sound reason, on the other end.

The kids are back in school.  I think I missed it more this year... the way you used to call and see how their first day went, talk to them over the line about it, how interested you were in every little detail of their life.  And mine.  No one else will ever be that interested, and it's missed so much right now.  So very much.  I miss my Mama.

I often think about how selfish the emotion of grief really is, how it is so intrinsically focused on what I miss about you.  But then I realize that what I miss is all about you, and so that relieves me of the notion that missing you is a selfish act.

There are so many things I would like to talk to you about.  This Bible study I am doing.  Madalyn's new red cowgirl boots.  David being in middle school.  That I am about to paint that old dresser you let me borrow when I got married... the one I never gave back.  Just general stuff of life that we used to toss around in casual conversation, ones I took for granted.  That's just it, too; missing you makes me realize just how much of you I took for granted without being aware.

I guess we are all moving along nicely.  Life goes on.  Kids grow up.  New patterns, new habits, are established.  But the grief remains.  It's not as deep as it once was, not as sharp.  But it's there.  And it bubbles up inside me unexpectedly.

I know it's nice where you are.  And I know I will see you one day.  But I sure am wishing the space in between didn't have to hurt so much.

Until then ~ Your Daughter