Thursday, May 2, 2013

Mama,

There's so much... so very, very much... going on that I wish I could talk to you about.  How I miss your voice of reason in my ear every day!

Last week marked a year without you.  Everyone is always saying, "Once that first year is out of the way, it gets easier."  But I don't think that's true.  Maybe the second Christmas and birthday without you won't be so painful, but what about the first time Madalyn goes shopping for a prom dress or the first time David gets his heart broken?  What about those firsts that will come long after the first year is over?  Those are the firsts when I will need you most, when I will miss you most, when I will long to hear your voice again.  No, I don't believe missing you will ever get easier.

I got a new cell phone, and I thought I would lose your message I had saved from so long ago.  But last night I discovered that it was still there.  Madalyn wanted to hear it, so I put it on speaker, and we relished the moment.  And then she said to keep it forever.

I think we are all doing okay.  We are all still learning how to be in this world without you, Mama.  Oh how things have changed.  I find myself so intolerant of things I was once so patient with, the trivial things of life.  I am not nearly as afraid to speak up for myself or my children.  What do I have to lose?  You showed me true courage, and so I am trying to embrace it.  I just know that my life is forever changed without you in it.

I find it hard to talk about my grief with anyone else but dad.  Truth is, I don't want to share it with anyone.  I hang on to it, this final connection to you.  A shrink would tell me that I must find a way to talk about how much I miss you, but I don't care.  I will do this my way, much like I do everything else.  You were like that, too.

I wonder what you're doing now.  Maybe you're tidying up and preparing a spot for all of us to join you.  Maybe you're planting some flowers.  I don't know.  I ask Jesus to give you a hug sometimes when I talk to him, and I believe that He honors my request.  I still see you in the birds.  I always will.

 I love you still and always will.

Forever your daughter...

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