There's so much... so very, very much... going on that I wish I could talk to you about. How I miss your voice of reason in my ear every day!
Last week marked a year without you. Everyone is always saying, "Once that first year is out of the way, it gets easier." But I don't think that's true. Maybe the second Christmas and birthday without you won't be so painful, but what about the first time Madalyn goes shopping for a prom dress or the first time David gets his heart broken? What about those firsts that will come long after the first year is over? Those are the firsts when I will need you most, when I will miss you most, when I will long to hear your voice again. No, I don't believe missing you will ever get easier.
I got a new cell phone, and I thought I would lose your message I had saved from so long ago. But last night I discovered that it was still there. Madalyn wanted to hear it, so I put it on speaker, and we relished the moment. And then she said to keep it forever.
I think we are all doing okay. We are all still learning how to be in this world without you, Mama. Oh how things have changed. I find myself so intolerant of things I was once so patient with, the trivial things of life. I am not nearly as afraid to speak up for myself or my children. What do I have to lose? You showed me true courage, and so I am trying to embrace it. I just know that my life is forever changed without you in it.
I find it hard to talk about my grief with anyone else but dad. Truth is, I don't want to share it with anyone. I hang on to it, this final connection to you. A shrink would tell me that I must find a way to talk about how much I miss you, but I don't care. I will do this my way, much like I do everything else. You were like that, too.
I wonder what you're doing now. Maybe you're tidying up and preparing a spot for all of us to join you. Maybe you're planting some flowers. I don't know. I ask Jesus to give you a hug sometimes when I talk to him, and I believe that He honors my request. I still see you in the birds. I always will.
I love you still and always will.
Forever your daughter...