I've been struggling for words lately. What normally flows from my heart to the tips of my fingers so easily has seemingly ceased.
To most, it is April, the month of pollen, bright blooms, and the greening of trees and lawns. But to me it's the month I lost my mother. And it is hard to believe that April has already come back around. How is it possible that she has been gone almost a year? It feels like a day and decade all at the same time, and I still can't reconcile my emotions.
A year ago, on this date, we shared one last family gathering. Easter. It was a lovely day. The sun was bright, and the kids were all so happy. My mother was exhausted, her body already beginning to fail though we didn't know it yet. It was one last day of togetherness before all things we ever knew to be normal would be forever changed.
I am beginning to realize that I will never be the same. I am okay, but not the same. It's as if I've gotten out a familiar jig saw puzzle to put it all together and one piece is missing. Can't find it anywhere. One would still be able to make out the picture, appreciate its beauty, but it can't ever be the same if it's not complete. And that is how I feel exactly.
I feel my best when I am outside in my yard doing things she loved and that I never dreamed I would do. Last week, I put out pine straw and planted a few things, laid rock in my backyard flower beds, pruned back some trees that had gone wild. I felt close to her, so much like her in those moments. I imagined how she would be so happy with what I had done, how she would have answered the questions I wished I could ask her. I contemplated how strange this world seems without her, so different.
I am grateful for the changes in me that have come about since I lost her... not worrying about things that don't matter, being aware of what it is important in life, not taking anything for granted. But what I give to have another day with her...
Spiritually, I am all over the place, much like the ups and downs of my emotions. I open myself up to feel close to God sometimes, while other times I close my feelings off to protect myself from not feeling too much. Some days I don't want to feel anything at all. I just want to make it through the day with sanity in tact, so I float. I know full well He has given me all I ever needed in every tiny moment, and I know He never lets go of me even on the days I don't want to feel anything. His Love and Mercy are amazing.
In my devotional time this morning, I was directed to Hebrews 13:8. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." How comforting to know. Predictable. Dependable. Immovable. The same. The one and only thing in our ever-changing lives that remains the same. And I cling to Him who never changes.