Thursday, December 20, 2012

Mama,

My tree looks beautiful this year.  I decided to buy a new one, put it in a totally different place, and just mix things up this year, our first without you.  The kids will be so happy... David is finally getting an Ipod touch and Madalyn is getting Justin Bieber tickets.  I have overdone it maybe a little this year, but you remember what a struggle we have had during some years in the past, so it was nice to be able to splurge on a couple of things.

We're getting together with your family on Saturday afternoon.  Your brothers will be there, and your sister's daughters.  I am making the dressing.  It's not nearly as good as how Grandmother used to make, but I think it will please most everyone.  We'll all be at Trey's new house which is beautiful and open enough to accommodate a big crowd like that.

Then we'll be at your house that night... me, Trey, and Todd, the grand kids, and dad.

This week has felt so strange.  I find myself in a blue haze.  It's Christmas, but it just doesn't feel the same.  I have a huge pit in my stomach, and my heart is racing at times.  And I just want it to be done and over with.  Well, that's not all together honest... what I really want is for you to still be here.  But that's not a possibility.

I know people say that you are here, that you are always with me, but it doesn't feel that way.  God is always with me, and you are with Him, so we share a spiritual connection, but you are definitely not here.  Your voice, your presence, your advice, everything that made you you is gone.  And it is missed so deeply.  There is  no word to adequately describe how deep.

Sometimes I feel like that world has forgotten about you.  And all the while my mind continues to remember you more and more each day.  I do my best to carry on, and most days I do fine, but the past few have more difficult than I expected.  It's so strange.

I wonder if I will ever stop missing you.  I doubt it.  I just guess it won't be so sharp as the time passes by, as the new experiences of this new world without you wash over the grief again and again, softening the edges.

As for you... well, to be honest, I can't imagine a better place to have Christmas than in heaven.  I am envious of you in a way.  You are there, and you are at unimaginable peace.  I wouldn't pull you away from there even if I could, not for even a minute.  You fought so hard, so long and endured so much along the way, and I am so happy for you.

Please give my grandmother a hug for me.  I miss her, too.  Her sweet smile, her long slender fingers, and her pound cake.  I miss her handwriting on a card, her attempt at gifts, and stepping on pins in her carpet.  I am so glad she didn't have to spend a Christmas without you, though, so I a happy for her, too.

Merry Christmas, Mama.  I love you.  I will forever love and miss you.

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