Thursday, November 1, 2012

This time seven years ago...

Seven years ago, I strolled this little flower around trick-or-treating.  A Blue Power Ranger darted around me, making noises with his mouth I never knew were humanly possible.  My house was always clean back then, toys contained to David's room and a small basket of baby stuff in the living room.  I was twenty pounds thinner, and I hadn't broken the thirty mark yet.  I probably only had five grey hairs on my head.  But do you know what stands out to me most about this time seven years ago?

We didn't know my mother had cancer yet.

It was in early November that we found out, that the call came in, that one word would change our lives forever.  It's hard to think back to a time when there was no cancer in my life, but this photo captures it in sheer perfection.  The simplicity of the life back then.  How easy it was to protect both my children from the uncertainty and disappointment of this world.  But now they know that life doesn't always come with a happily-ever-after, and that's a truth they will carry with them their whole life.

So funny how I would have never dreamed in the moment that I took the above photo that in seven years' time my mother would be gone.  Seven years... sounds so long, but boy has it flown by.

If I could bottle the last seven years, I would.  Open it up in the quiet grey moments when I need a splash of my Mama.  Instead, I can browse through photos, looking at them as I always have but finding different things within the frame.  Remembering what was going on behind the scenes.  Knowing that during this time or that time I had no idea how drastically different life would turn out than how I always thought it would.  Knowing how hard she fought, how brilliantly strong she was through it all.

Last night, neither one of them wanted their picture taken.  David is way better at faking a smile than my Madalyn.  Shortly after this photo, Madalyn locked herself in her room because she was scared of how one of our friends had his face painted.  She only went to a handful of houses and I walked her home to get ready for bed.  Our first Halloween ever to have a child that she was scared of nearly everything.  Funny.  But something tells me that I may not remember that little detail in seven years.  But I will always remember that that photo was from our first Halloween since my mother died.

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