There's a part of me looking forward to pulling out the Christmas decor, rummaging through each box, looking at the pieces one by one and placing the spirit all over the house. But then there's this other part of me that dreads it, knowing that most of what I have in some way reminds me of her. Knowing that Christmas will never be the same. It will be good in its own way, but never quite the same.
So many of my ornaments came from my mom. She bought me Winnie the Pooh ornaments for years. I can't say how many I have. She's bought me angels and crosses and whatnot. In fact, I have purchased very few of my ornaments for myself. But that has changed now, too.
I knew I wanted to buy one this year. I needed to, you know. Needed to keep a tradition alive for myself even though only the shell of the tradition itself remained. I would purchase my own ornament without the ooh's and ahhh's of my mother at my side. I would look for the perfect one which would make me feel like a little piece of her were hanging on my tree. There are so many pieces of her to hang on the tree in the Pooh ornaments, the ones from my childhood, the many from Holiday shows we perused together. It's hard to imagine no new pieces to join the others from Christmases past. So I will carry it on. Carry it on without her presence, though she is ever present in my heart.
I found it hanging in the back of the little gift shop on a magnificent tree. Mercury glass, eyes beaming into my soul with a magical stare. A sweet little owl. One she would have loved for her own tree. It was perfect, and I knew it the moment I saw it even though I already had a different one in my hand to purchase. I put back the one I previously decided on, and picked up my new friend. A new friend for my tree.
New. Everything seems so new and different. As I tried to start my Christmas shopping yesterday, it felt like the first time I had ever done it. I went here and there with what seemed to be no direction. But I must find it, the direction, the new way. I must and I will. In due time.
Life goes on. Lights are popping up all around town. Some already have their trees up. A local radio station has been playing Christmas music since November 1st. And I dig deeper... deeper still to find the spirit within me.