Wednesday, August 29, 2012


August 14th.  Has it really been that long since I have written a post?  I think this is the longest I have gone without posting here, and it feels really weird.  I have started writing many posts, but just can't get the words out right.  And then there's the part of me that doesn't want this blog to be all about my grief. Because there's more to me than grief, you know.  So much more.  So today I will ramble about what I've got going on right now...

The kids are back at school, and I am left with some quiet time in the house, which I absolutely love.  I have this yearning to learn right now that surpasses anything I have ever experienced in my life before.  Reading the thoughts of others encourages me to seek even more, read even more, and establish my own system of beliefs.  I had almost forgotten how nice it was to learn.

I mean, let's face it... Americans along with the rest of the civilized world, have education crammed down their throats from an early age.  You go to school whether you want to or not.  You are taught principles and truths that were formulated and discovered by someone else.  You are encouraged to pursue advanced education even if your heart isn't into it because that degree will supposedly help you excel in the future.  Somewhere along the way, the pursuit of knowledge for most Americans becomes synonymous with making money and earthly success.

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity.  {2 Peter 3:18, ESV}

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.  {Proverbs 9:10, NIV}

But what if the act of learning was about something else entirely?  What if it was about principles and truths that never die?  What if our thirst for knowledge had nothing to do with a paycheck or job title and everything to do with a Spirit that lives inside of us?

That's where I am now.  I want to devour whatever I can get my hands on.  I have started a chronological reading of the New Testament.  I sincerely wish I could go to seminary.  I also wish I could tell you that last sentence was a joke, but it's not.  I want to know how it all fits together.  I want to know what the Bible says, not what the man in the pulpit says.  I want to get a grasp on the truth, and pursue it in a different way.  I want to learn for the first time in my life.

Though I was relatively intelligent growing up, I didn't have a thirst for knowledge.  Learning itself carried a whole bunch of baggage with it... like tests, textbooks, essays, documentation, and report cards.  School, to me, was simply an absorption of information followed by regurgitation.  I have always been way too free of a thinker to simply regurgitate what's been fed to me.  Maybe that's why I was drawn to Literature.  The class read something, and then we discussed or wrote about our interpretation and thoughts on meaning.  It was a lovely process, one that was open to all possibilities.  Each person who cared enough to formulate opinions had a little something different to say.

Why don't we view the Bible the same way?  Is it an open and shut deal, a lecture one sits through to simply absorb and accept what is fed them?  Or is it a learning tool, a beautiful piece of literature in which there are endless possibilities and infinite truths to be discovered?  Am I making any sense to anyone else but me?

So that's what I've got going on these days.  While my kids are at school, I am schooling myself.  And trying to keep the house in some sort of order, too, of course.  I have put everything else I was working on on hold, jewelry and key chains included.  I am trying to find out where I fit in this beautiful puzzle of life, and I am ever so grateful to have the time available to do so.

So just know, that when I am not writing here, I am doing one of two things:
~  Sparing the world of more thoughts about grief and sadness. OR
~  Reading the Bible or theological related books.

And I am actually enjoying it.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

Hi Tamara,

Just discovered your blog--so glad I did. You are a very talented writer!

It's amazing how God plants that desire and thirst for more knowledge of Him and His ways at just the right time, often in times of pain and struggle. Since we went to a Christian school and had daily Bible classes and chapel, I feel like I came away from it with a lot of head knowledge about God, but it is only in my adult years, having gone through different struggles, that I have come to know God more intimately.

Keep up the reading and the writing!

Lisa Watkins