Sunday, April 22, 2012

I was so conflicted all afternoon about what I should do.  Stay or go home.  I missed my husband and my children, and I was exhausted from the week of back and forth and two nights there in the house.  But I wanted to be there for her.  Back and forth all day... I tossed it over in my mind a million times.  I finally asked myself, "If she could speak right now, what would she say?"

"Go home, Tamara.  Go be a wife and mother."

And so I did.  I told her in her ear the last few things I needed to say.  Though she was unresponsive, I know she heard me.  No one can convince me otherwise.  I released her, and she released me.  It's the way it should be.  She raised me to be a woman of strength just like her.

The house was quiet and dark.  My father and older brother were by her side.  She breathed her last around 1:30 and saw the face of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I made the drive back down in the black of night, a few headlights shimmering in the distance.  I talked to Him the whole way, and I came to a conclusion.  He did not take her a moment too soon.  I got the very best of her, and for that I am grateful.  We left nothing unsaid.  We never lived a day in hostility with one another.  The beauty of our relationship will live within me forever, though I am forever changed without her here.

I touched her head.  It was cool, and it became real.  I smelled her perfume and picked up her makeup.  I looked through her dresser drawers.  I soaked in the surroundings and wept quietly.  My precious Mama has gone ahead of me.  If I know her well at all, I know what she is doing... she is counting the days until she can see us all again.  She is with her mother and her sister taken so many years ago.  She is cancer free.  She is who God created her to be... a perfect, radiant being of pure Light and Love.  And for that I am thankful.

I can't describe the feeling that Jesus has washed over my soul the past several days.  It's a strange peace, one that I have read about in the Word.  I am deeply sad for the loss of my mother, but I rejoice for my sister in Christ that has been made whole again.  Trying to reconcile the two will prove difficult, but it is what I must do as a believer.

I am certain I will find myself asking this one question in my head over and over again for the rest of my life... "If she could speak right now, what would she say?"

"Keep moving forward.  I will see you soon."

Sweet Heavenly Father, Creator of all life, I praise you for my mother.  I thank you for placing me in her womb and honoring me with such an amazing example of what a wife and mother should be.  I ask You to fill in my holes now... where I am sad, soothe me... where I am weak, strengthen me as only You can... where I am angry, calm my spirit.  Thank You for the thirty-five years I had with her.  Thank You for letting Your Love shine through her... in Your Holy Name I pray, Amen.


Chelle said...

This is a beautiful and fitting tribute to a wonderful woman who raised a graceful and wonderful daughter. My heart is with you, my prayers go before you as you navigate the world ahead. Love you, my friend.

Marsha said...

Sobbing at work. I was also in the chip aisle yesterday and prayed for you. Such beautiful words for a beautiful relationship.

carrie said...

Absolutely beautiful, Tamara. I know what a fine example she was to you because I can see her in you. Praying for you today as you say your final goodbyes on earth and celebrate her victory over cancer!

Victoria said...

Tamara, I have been MIA from the blogging world for a couple of months, so I am just now reading this. Please forgive me for not sending you my condolences and prayers sooner.
This is such a beautiful post and I pray for you and your family to be comforted by the Great Comforter each day. And also I would like to just praise God for releasing her from the pain of this world and just celebrate what a legacy she has left in your lives.

Hang in there girl...God bless!