Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My portion...

There are some days in life for which you can never be fully prepared.  Yesterday was one of those.

My mother had not been doing so well recently.  That was part of my blogger's block... I wanted so desperately to write about it, use the stroke of the keys to cope with the insanity of it all.  But I couldn't.  Her liver scan and blood work had looked so good about a month ago, but my heart told me something bigger was happening.  She just didn't seem herself, and she was struggling physically in different ways than she had before.  But there weren't words to describe it.  No way to explain it.  Her oncologist had dismissed the various symptoms as a phenomena known as chemo brain, and she certainly met the description.  Only, over time, it wasn't improving.  In fact, the symptoms were getting worse and more noticeable, and her doctor had ordered an MRI, which was scheduled for this very afternoon.  But my mother wouldn't make it to today's appointment.

We believe she suffered a seizure yesterday morning while she was trying to feed the dogs.  My father found her, out cold, on the wood floor, and he called the paramedics.  Vital signs looked good, so my dad opted to take her to the ER himself.  A CT scan revealed a large mass in the right side of her head, so large that her brain is pushed over to the left side.  Her physical condition at this point is stable but mimics that of a stroke patient.  Her speech is slurred, the left side of her body not fully functional, and the droop of the mouth so common in stroke patients is quite noticeable.

A further MRI was done, and a brain surgeon has given his best eye-glance diagnosis.  He feels certain it is a benign tumor, but there is no treatment other than surgery to remove it.  Because of the tumor's size and placement, he didn't feel comfortable with doing the surgery there in Montgomery and suggested we find a surgeon in Birmingham where my mother has received all her treatments and had any procedures related to her cancer.

When I say that yesterday was the most emotionally draining day of my life, I am not exaggerating.  It was up, it was down, it was all around.  My main prayer for myself was for God to get me through the day, to give me all I needed in each individual moment.  And He did.  He is amazing like that.  God never falls short.

This morning, I read in my Jesus Calling devotional book.  Ironically, my mother gave it to me back in the fall of last year.  I missed yesterday's reading, so I read it, too.  Here's a little piece of it:
Your gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow.  If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat.  You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today.  It is in the present moment that I walk close to you, helping you carry your burdens.  Keep your focus on My Presence in the present.

How timely.  And one of the Scriptures corresponding with the devotion for today was from Psalm 73.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:23-26)

The referenced Scripture in the book was only the 23rd verse, but as I read on, the passage just touched my heart.  I thought it was incredibly fitting in the present situation.  Flesh and hearts fail, but God is forever.  He is our portion.

He was my portion yesterday.  He gave me just enough.  Not lacking, not too much, but all that I needed in every single moment of the day.  And I am so thankful to Him.  As usual, we covet your prayers for my mother as we fight to find answers, get a thorough diagnosis, and deal with whatever treatment options there are available to her.  


Chelle said...

Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes, He lets the storm rage and calms the child. Hugs to you, my friend.

Erika said...

You know. :)

Rebecca said...

Praying for you!