I could use a little Miss Merry in my life.
Things are settling down in my life for a little while. My mother got a good report on Thursday at her oncologist's office. The chemo is working, and my dad said that the oncologist actually smiled when he said the words significant improvement to my mother about her liver functions. I think that's the first time we've heard the word improvement at all in our second journey through the cancer battle field. She will have another treatment this coming Thursday, and we can rest a little easy in knowing that they have found a medicine to keep her cancer in check for a little while. That means more time with my sweet Mama, and that is precious news.
But I still find my emotions in overdrive. In the midst of the obvious issue of my life ~ my mother's illness ~ also comes a job change for my husband, battling through fifth grade homework and attitude, and fibromyalgia overload. My brain cells are whirling and twirling at various speeds in my mind, and I honestly feel like I am going nuts. I am not spending enough time with God, and it shows.
I know all the verses about not worrying and not being anxious and prayer and petition to God, but when you try to play it out in real time, sometimes things don't go as planned. When you carry the weight in your heart instead of on your shoulders, things feel different. Try as we may, there are times in life when letting go and letting God is more difficult than we anticipate. My level of anxiety has reached an all time high in the last few weeks, and rightfully so. And in the wake of good news, it's taking some time for my insides to slow down, for the imaginary propeller to slow itself down after the motor has been turned off.
What I have learned in the past few weeks is this... no matter what I am doing in life, I need my time with God. When I skip out on that quiet time with Him, I suffer. And then everyone in my household suffers. I bubble and boil over, and it's not pretty.
So this morning I am pondering this verse in a different light...
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
See if there is any offensive way in me... that's the part I am pondering this morning. Slow me down, Lord, and lead me. Maybe I will find Miss Merry.