Saturday, August 20, 2011

Scriptural Affirmations

Yesterday, I spent much of my morning searching the pages of both my Bibles. Looking. Reading. Finding the places I had highlighted or underlined. Gasping for encouragement as though it were oxygen.

I am a little sad right now. It's the weirdest kind of sad, though. One I've never quite felt before. Over the past year and a half, I have done a good job putting my mother's illness in its own box, labeling it, and keeping it contained. But now my mother's cancer doesn't fit in the box I originally placed it in, and I find myself searching, searching, searching for one big enough to put it in. What I am finding out is that it just doesn't fit in anything.

If you don't know my mother very well, then you don't know the full situation. Over the past several weeks, her overall quality of life has declined quite drastically. The shortness of breath, once blamed by the build up of fluid around her lungs, has gotten worse. Now that procedures have been done on both sides and the fluid is practically gone, there's not much of a medical reason for the shortness of breath she experiences now other than scar tissue from the two previous drain procedures. During her past two trips to the Kirklin Clinic, she's used a borrowed wheel chair to get around. She's stayed home for a solid week because of the shortness of breath. On top of that, her pain level has increased. She's not feeling well, and it hurts to see that.

So, that's what drags me down a little these days. Before, I knew my mom had cancer, but she still looked the same, acted the same, was able to do most everything she wanted to do. Now she struggles for a full breath of air and, though she very seldom complains about anything, I can sense her frustration.

So, I searched yesterday for some Scriptural affirmations. I needed them. I longed for them. I want so desperately to bathe myself in them... to feel their effects on my soul... to believe and experience them fully...

You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. Psalm 18:28-29
The LORD sits enthroned over the flood; the LORD is enthroned as King forever. The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:10-11
O LORD, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in times of distress. Isaiah 33:2
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:3-4
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. {Jesus} John 14:27

Yes. I want to bathe in these today. I want to feel them in my bones.


Chelle said...

:( Hugs and hugs and hugs to you today.

Nana's Notes said...

From your aunt who usually is full of something to say, I am "wordless" to comfort you. All I know to say is that I will be with you, your Mom and your Dad offering myself to help in any way. You are surrounded by love and prayers.

Erika said...

Ditto what your aunt said. Love you much. Wish I was closer.

Kelly O'Dell Stanley said...

A song for you today...