Thursday, June 2, 2011

Which corner?

It hit me today that I'm in a different dark corner than I thought...

I am fascinated with the use of the word light in the Bible. When I did a quick Google search, I found that it's used an average of a little over 200 times in the Bible between several different translations. So, to me, it ranks on up there with hope and peace in importance. What I like most about the word itself is that it can act as a noun or a verb. You can turn on a light, or you could light a candle. I think that words with dual functions like that are pretty cool. But I tend to be a bit of a word nerd....

When I think about light and dark, I want to call them opposites. But dark is so dependent upon the light to be called dark. Dark, after all, is nothing more than the absence of light. So without light, there would be no darkness. If one never knew of light, they wouldn't realize they were in the dark.

The title to the book I have just begun studying is Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner. I really thought I'd be addressing one particular corner of my soul. Instead, I find myself stuck in a different corner, nose pressed to the wall, darkness threatening to envelope me. I figured I'd be once and for all delving into every single minute and grand emotion surrounding an incident in my late teens. Today I am thinking that God led me to the book to help me deal with what's right in front of me.

My mom's cancer has rattled me. Just when I think I have come to terms with one thing, another shows up. Just when I believe we're on the right path, we forced to make a detour. It's the most out of control I've felt in all my life. There's literally nothing I can do... no words I can type, none I can say, no prayer to pray, no knife large enough to cut it all out, nothing, zilch, nada. Nothing I can do to make it better. That feeling of helplessness is the same feeling I had at nineteen years old when I was violated. It's this chill that sweeps through your soul, frigid wind at your back, that makes you want to curl into a ball and go to sleep and wake up when it's all over. It's a dark corner.

When you're stuck in a corner, nose to the wall, it's all you can see, all you can think about. When the darkness surrounds us, we can't see past our own nose. There's no light. Light is completely absent and therefore unable to shine down on what we need, the people who are there to help, the words of God that we need to read and pull into our heart.

I'm more in the cancer corner than I am the 19 year old date rape corner. And I didn't realize it until today. That 19 year old girl will always live inside of me, but her voice is so much tinier that the 34 year old woman who doesn't want to lose her mom, that can't bear to see her hurt, that can't see past her own nose right now for thinking about her mom's illness. Am I letting Satan win? I guess he gets the partial victory here... he has me afraid and a little down. But here's why I have hope...

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 1 John 1:5

That first Him... that's Jesus. I don't know why they don't capitalize it in the Scriptures; I always want to do so. See, before this verse, John is telling us that he and the other disciples actually saw Jesus, heard Him speak, and this is what he wants us to know. So, in my mind, this is a direct message from Jesus. And it's fairly simple ~ God is light.

Okay, so in God, there is no darkness. At all. Because He is light. He is the noun and the verb at the same time, I am willing to bet my life on it. Because only God could pull that off. And here I am, in the stupid corner with no light, and all I need to do is quit looking at the darn wall. Turn around and see the light. Turn to see what God shining down upon wanting to reveal to me. See, that's where I get hung up... what is He trying to reveal to me? I guess that's where the patience and faith comes in to play.

So I will keep both my corners in mind as I read this new book hoping it will shed light on both issues... no pun intended. And, as always, please keep my mother in your prayers.


Rebecca said...

still praying

Brandee said...

Your words always inspire me every time I pop over and read what you have written. I will say a prayer for your mom and keep looking to The Light. BTW, I don't know why Jesus' name is not ALWAYS in caps. I can't bear to write His name or even the pronoun without making it capitalized. He is The Source of life, of hope, of everything. Shouldn't it always be in caps?

Praying for you,

Erika said...

Always and forever.

Kelly O'Dell Stanley said...

I just read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp (if you haven't read it, you MUST. It's amazing). She mentions that when God passed by Moses, he was hid in a cleft of rock. It was dark, so dark. Because God was right there working. It wasn't until the work was done, until His glory had passed by, that Moses could see it. We can't look right at God or we'll be blinded by His glory. But we can know that when it seems dark, maybe, just maybe, God is hiding us in a rock, shielded by His great hand. And when the light comes back in, we'll see that God was here, right here.

Hang in there. His light shines all around, but when you don't see it, rest assured He's busy right where you are.