The last twenty-four hours I've had this internal debate going on... how do I determine the will of God as it relates to me? How? I am human ~ I have my wants, desires, dreams. God is perfect ~ He knows what I need, the exact path I should take, what my next step should be. So how do I merge the two? Where does the voice of God begin and the desire of my heart end? Where do the two intersect?
I've always heard that little voice inside of me, but along the way, I ignored it so many times. Looking back, it's clear to see that the voice was trying to save me from heartache, from obstacles in His path for me. Now that I am older and trying to tune myself into God more, I still find myself confused and questioning, "Which way do I go???"
Right now, specifically, I am struggling with this conference I'd like to attend in July. I'm looking at a total expense of $1000 (if not slightly more) for the conference and traveling. And I don't know about anyone else out there, but that's a whopping tally for this family! I took advantage of a scholarship opportunity (along with 300 other people) and was not selected. Honestly, I was slightly disappointed just because of that whole they didn't pick me thing, but I realized when I entered that God may find a need much greater than mine... He may see that someone out there is more spiritually ready and at that perfect point in their life to go and reap maximum benefits. All that being said, I find myself asking is this the Lord telling me this is not the year for me to go?
Last week, I decided to begin in Matthew and read straight through the New Testament again. I did this back in the fall of 2001 when I wanted to find out what the Bible had to say, and I have reread several books since then, but I wanted to re-examine the New Testament as a 34 year old woman. So, in my reading last week, I ran across an incredibly familiar verse to this little Church of Christ preacher's daughter, and I find it fitting as my memory verse for the Siesta Scripture Challenge in light of what's spinning around in my mind these days.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6: 33-34
I have always enjoyed the thought of the words of Jesus, and the Sermon on the Mount is literally chocked full of his advice on nearly everything. In this particular passage, the all these things he referenced were earthly worries - what to eat, drink, wear. I guess, if I wanted to make it quite personal for my life, I could substitute in bills, clothes and shoes for these growing children, and anything else that is of this world. I certainly fret over a lot of it, whether I want to admit it or not. And Jesus is telling me that I need not worry about all that stuff if I am seeking Him. Don't worry about tomorrow; take care of today.
In the past week, when my mind has started to get bogged down with unnecessary junk, I've heard that still voice say to me, "Just keep moving forward." So, I think I'll listen to that. I think the quieter and more still the voice, the more likely it is to be of God. The less complicated, the less anticipatory of tomorrow, the more focused it sounds, the more likely it's from divine vocal chords. I keep allowing my vision to be clouded by all my expectations, plans, worries, anxieties, inadequacies instead of turning to prayer and the Scripture and trying to find Him.
I can't say that this post has made a whole lot of sense to anyone else in the world but me. I'll blame that partially on Sudafed and partially on the fact that my mind operates in a totally different way than anyone other of God's creations, and that's one thing I totally love about myself. I think, for me, getting down to the basics of trusting and seeking God will keep me busy for quite some time and help me focus some of my swirling internal energy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to blow my nose.