On the inside, I am the dreamer, the girl with a big story and long fingers fighting to type it. I'm the wife that wants to love large and be loved deeply. The mom who longs for nothing more than my kids to learn through me how to love, respect, and thrive in this messed up world. A struggling Christian who desires to learn something new about my Lord's love for me every day and what He would have me to do. I'm the healing victim, the wound finally closed, the fresh scar still tender and red but looking better every day.
But who am I to God? In Christ? It's the question Rachel Olsen posed this morning on her blog, and my mind immediately set to work on figuring out who I am in Him. So, here goes:
I am known. He told me in Psalm 139. I remember the first time I read that Psalm ~ that I really read it and took in all the words. I wept like a baby. I was humbled at the thought that God knew me before I was born, every walk down my path, both good and bad. That He was there the whole time, even in the places I'd be ashamed to admit I had been. But today, I stand comfortable in the fact that God knows me. Because often times, especially here lately, I feel a little lonely in my own head. I have these big ideas and big dreams and big thoughts, and I feel like some people think I am a little nutty. But God doesn't think I am nutty. He knows why I love Lamentations though it's a book of the Bible that most people can't even say that they've read. He knows my fascination with the smallest insignificant words. He understands why I wake up at 3AM and can't go back to sleep for writing chapters in my mind in the darkness. He gets me. And I will be glad to come to a place where that is all I need to feel comfortable in my skin. I am known by God.
I am new. I like promises and statements that are found in both the Old and New Testament. Two of my favorite verses that are so incredibly similar are Isaiah 43:19 and 2 Corinthians 5:17. They both tell me I am new. In my mind, when I think new, I think a fresh notebook full of blank pages just waiting for someone in my household to fill it up with markings. Three of us in the Blair house love a new notebook ~ we all fill it differently, mind you, but we love the blank pages just the same. So I would like to think of myself through God's eyes as a beautiful new notebook, maybe a pretty flower on the cover, and all these crisp pages in the middle just waiting for my story to be written on them. I am new.
I am loved, and I am saved. Probably the first verse I ever memorized from the Bible tells me that I am loved. John 3:16 is one we can all recite whether we've been to church in the past decade or not. But verse 17 tells me that I am saved through the Son. This may seem obvious to some, but the concept of salvation is one I have wrastled (spoken in true Southern dialect) with throughout my life. I always thought, "I have to do more, be more perfect, drink less Captain Morgan, read my Bible more often, be at church every Sunday, not let that curse word slip out..." I had made my salvation all about me and what I did to deserve it. Wasn't until lately that I realized there would never come a day I'd feel deserving enough for it, so I might as well approach Him where I am and let Him do the work in me. I'm not perfect. I don't do and say all the right things. But I am loved, and I am saved by a perfect Savior who knows me and makes me new.
The question that spins around my mind is who He wants me to become... and I'll close with this quote that actually made me feel better as I pray over some things in my life. I have three things in particular I am praying about, completely unrelated in nature, but both having to do with my future. And I am scared. I am scared of failure, of the risk, of putting myself out there... and then I read this quote this morning on Lysa TerKeurst's blog:
If the size of the vision for your life isn't intimidating to you, chances are it's insulting to God.
Hmmmmm.... so maybe my fear and doubt is a good thing.