Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Who Am I?

To the world, I am a mother, a wife, the girl down the street that doesn't have to work, the lady at Walmart with dog hair all over her shirt and a thin layer of powder over her skin to diminish the redness of the healing zits on her face, the Church of Christ preacher's daughter gone astray, the one who was most likely to succeed in high school but couldn't manage to live up the expectations, the college drop-out, the chick who enjoys a Captain Morgan and Diet Pepsi, the poor thing that was married and divorced in the same calendar year, the lady who walks and walks and walks but never loses any weight, the one who tries and usually fails.

On the inside, I am the dreamer, the girl with a big story and long fingers fighting to type it. I'm the wife that wants to love large and be loved deeply. The mom who longs for nothing more than my kids to learn through me how to love, respect, and thrive in this messed up world. A struggling Christian who desires to learn something new about my Lord's love for me every day and what He would have me to do. I'm the healing victim, the wound finally closed, the fresh scar still tender and red but looking better every day.

But who am I to God? In Christ? It's the question Rachel Olsen posed this morning on her blog, and my mind immediately set to work on figuring out who I am in Him. So, here goes:

I am known. He told me in Psalm 139. I remember the first time I read that Psalm ~ that I really read it and took in all the words. I wept like a baby. I was humbled at the thought that God knew me before I was born, every walk down my path, both good and bad. That He was there the whole time, even in the places I'd be ashamed to admit I had been. But today, I stand comfortable in the fact that God knows me. Because often times, especially here lately, I feel a little lonely in my own head. I have these big ideas and big dreams and big thoughts, and I feel like some people think I am a little nutty. But God doesn't think I am nutty. He knows why I love Lamentations though it's a book of the Bible that most people can't even say that they've read. He knows my fascination with the smallest insignificant words. He understands why I wake up at 3AM and can't go back to sleep for writing chapters in my mind in the darkness. He gets me. And I will be glad to come to a place where that is all I need to feel comfortable in my skin. I am known by God.

I am new. I like promises and statements that are found in both the Old and New Testament. Two of my favorite verses that are so incredibly similar are Isaiah 43:19 and 2 Corinthians 5:17. They both tell me I am new. In my mind, when I think new, I think a fresh notebook full of blank pages just waiting for someone in my household to fill it up with markings. Three of us in the Blair house love a new notebook ~ we all fill it differently, mind you, but we love the blank pages just the same. So I would like to think of myself through God's eyes as a beautiful new notebook, maybe a pretty flower on the cover, and all these crisp pages in the middle just waiting for my story to be written on them. I am new.

I am loved, and I am saved. Probably the first verse I ever memorized from the Bible tells me that I am loved. John 3:16 is one we can all recite whether we've been to church in the past decade or not. But verse 17 tells me that I am saved through the Son. This may seem obvious to some, but the concept of salvation is one I have wrastled (spoken in true Southern dialect) with throughout my life. I always thought, "I have to do more, be more perfect, drink less Captain Morgan, read my Bible more often, be at church every Sunday, not let that curse word slip out..." I had made my salvation all about me and what I did to deserve it. Wasn't until lately that I realized there would never come a day I'd feel deserving enough for it, so I might as well approach Him where I am and let Him do the work in me. I'm not perfect. I don't do and say all the right things. But I am loved, and I am saved by a perfect Savior who knows me and makes me new.

The question that spins around my mind is who He wants me to become... and I'll close with this quote that actually made me feel better as I pray over some things in my life. I have three things in particular I am praying about, completely unrelated in nature, but both having to do with my future. And I am scared. I am scared of failure, of the risk, of putting myself out there... and then I read this quote this morning on Lysa TerKeurst's blog:

If the size of the vision for your life isn't intimidating to you, chances are it's insulting to God.

Hmmmmm.... so maybe my fear and doubt is a good thing.


Erika said...

That is one thing our pastor preaches on quite regularly. God wants BIG things for your life. If you feel excited and also like you're going to wet your pants, then you're probably right where He wants you.

carrie said...

Great stuff to think on. I have to say that I think you are an amazing person that is so honest about who you are it is refreshing!

Rachel Olsen said...

I'm so glad you took up my challenge and told me about it. You can't hear me but I was clapping by the end of reading this.

I don't think you are nutty. In fact, I totally get you -- and like you.

Smiles ~ Rachel

Kristin said...

This is so interesting... and it has me pondering.

I've been meaning to share this with you:

The Lord's love never ends;
his mercies never stop.
They are new every morning;
Lord, your loyalty is great.
I say to myself, "The Lord is mine, so I hope in him."

{a favorite few from Lamentations 3:22-24}

V said...

I absolutely love this post. Thank you for thinking it and feeling it and writing it. It ministered to me on a day when I needed ministry.
God Bless,

Pam said...

Loved reading your post : )

Sweet Blessings,

Anonymous said...

You are awesome just the way you are. I related to being known and like you finally understanding that there is nothing that I can do to be deserving of Gods grace and love.

Take Care, Your post was encouraging.