Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It's not that I haven't been blogging...

Trust me; I've written two or three posts and the immediately deleted them. I've had a lot to say lately, but when I remind myself that other people will actually read the thoughts, I have quickly deleted them. I've been in a weird frame of mind here lately...

There's a lot going on. There's my mom and the fact that we did not get the news we wanted to hear so desperately. I'm not mad a God. I do question Him - why in the world couldn't you just make it all go away??? But I have to remind myself that the world still spins... even though our Creator is perfect in every way, including His enveloping love for me, the world is not. Nor will it ever be. Things go wrong. Even to good people. And that's the only time we really question anything, right? I mean, if a drug addict dies of an overdose, we don't question it... we say that we've expected it all along. But it's the good people struggling with their health that makes us wonder why things can't work perfectly here on earth. I have to remind myself that we were never promised perfection on earth, just restoration in heaven.

So, I get a little blue when I think about my mom and how her first treatment plan wasn't perfect for her cancer and that it didn't work perfectly to rid her body of all the negative cells. And, today, after a few days of mulling it over, I realize there is no perfect here on this beyond imperfect earth. And I know that it hurts my mother's Father in Heaven just as much as it does me. I know He wipes all of our tears and understands each hurt. But the little brat deep down inside still wants to scream every now and again - throw a little tantrum in true five-year-old little girl style, "BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE IT ALL GO AWAY!!!!!!!" See... that's the kind of posts I had to delete... and I wonder where my beloved five-year-old inherits her ability to pitch the most fantastic tantrums (hmmmmm.... I do still have it in me!!).

We've also had all this weird, bothersome stuff going on with our baseball team. We've had two players quit. We've had gossip and drama and ridiculousness. And, to be honest, I just can't deal with that sort of crap right now. What I am going through with my mom just makes everything else look so stupid. I am continued to be reminded of how immature some adults are - how they subsequently are raising their children to be the same as them. And the cycle lives on...

Other than that, I've been writing a little. I've been working out and starting to run again. The running thing has been quite therapeutic (except for the pain it renders) in that I am able to expel some of this tense, nervous energy inside of me. And I will run the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K in October. Even if one of my legs (specifically the left one that gives me such fits) falls off, I will run it. Or, in the event it really does fall off, I guess I would have to drag myself over the line.

I am also reminding myself of the purpose behind what I am writing. Why do I love the book of Isaiah so much? I mean, it has to be the most beautiful thing I have ever read. There are so many promises. And I know he's not talking directly to me, but so much of the book speaks to "you." So, I'll close with a scripture that touches my heart more and more every time I read it...

Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.
See, darkness covers the earth
and thick darkness is over the peoples,
but the Lord rises upon you,
and his glory appears over you.
Nations will come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your dawn. Isaiah 60:1-3

I guess it's one of my favorites because I am ready to arise, to shine... to embrace what God has in store for me...

4 comments:

Chelle said...

I've been thibnking about you and praying for your mom. I'll continue to do so and I want you to know that I admire your faith and your grace.

carrie said...

I am sorry that you are hurting! I know I have had times that I have been just plain angry at God. I realized that it will all work for the good but it is not the way I wanted. Like you, Todd gets his fit throwing for me and I have been known to throw a mighty fit for an adult. I pray that things will slow down for a while!

Erika said...

I love you and I am praying for Mama Tew (two) as well!

Nana's Notes said...

I am so very glad you are writing..something you were born to do. As for your Mom...there are no words or explanations..The only thing we have is prayer and she has an abundance of those from people everywhere! Please take some comfort in that.