Friday, August 27, 2010

Insecurity...

Yesterday, I visited my local Books-a-Million. I was trying to find a book to give someone, and so I searched high and low in the area of interest and didn't find what I was looking for. No biggie - I'll have to try a Christian book store to find the perfect fit. While I was there, I did pick up a book that I had seen online and almost ordered about a month ago. It is The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. After reading the first two chapters yesterday afternoon, I am convinced I will learn so much from her words and feel certain that the prayer skills she talks about will carry through to other areas of my life as well. Prayer is not something I've ever really been taught about. I've read the scriptures in the Bible about asking and receiving, but I have never truly learned how to approach God's throne with a pure heart and ask for legitimate things. I look forward to seeing the change this will bring about in my relationship with God, and of course with my dear husband as well.

Anywho - as I perused the aisles, I began thinking about each spine I saw. Each with its own title and author. Each containing the words of someone who labored and toiled and dreamed and imagined for hours upon hours. And I began to think of how many stories that needed to be told were lost among the piles of formula written romance, self-help fads, and cookbooks. I wondered how many of those books truly contained a message for the reader. I wondered how many of their authors had prayed over the words they had written and asked for divine intervention in telling their story. I am sure there are some, but not many. And then I got that feeling that I get a lot... that one in the pit of my stomach... that one that tells me I am foolish to even try... that one that tells me not to expose myself, even through a fictional character... the one that would rather have me go find a part-time job or just stick to blogging....

Insecurity. Oh how it plagues my mind! There were so many books in that one store that it overwhelmed me. It made me realize how many people there are that are out there that believe their story has merit and deserves its rightful place on the shelf. I am insecure about the journey it takes to take your words from brain to page to agent to publisher. I am terrified of the spiritual journey I must take along with my main character in order to finish my novel. I am purely scared of the whole darn thing. But I have this urge within me to write it... keep on writing it, even past the fifth chapter where I get into the depth of her secrets and issues. I wrote chapter five and literally felt sick all day. Just uneasy. Reliving things from my own life, rewriting them as fiction in an effort to share the message, well, it's painful. But it's hopefully gonna all be worth it... if for no one else but myself. And I hope it can touch another person along the way...

So, today I pray for the courage to keep on writing it... even though the insecurity sometimes seems bigger than the dream.

2 comments:

Erika said...

I pray for you too. Keep the faith.

carrie said...

I will continue to pray. Insecurities is Satan's way to turn us from a direction that he is scared of going. That is a good thing! Keep it up and keep praying for God to guide you and you will find an unimagineable strength! I know you can do it and it will be a positive thing for many!