Friday, July 30, 2010

I have a little confession...

I have a little confession to make. I'm writing a novel.

It's crazy. It's a far fetched dream. It may never see a publisher's desk. I may never hold it in my hands, bound and beautiful. But I'm writing it none the less. It's this story inside of me that has to come out.

I can't even say where it's coming from. Parts of it are coming from me. From the things I've lived. From the things I have seen. But some of it is just flowing from my fingertips onto the keyboard in the most amazing fashion I've ever experienced. I have no idea who to credit the words and the thoughts and the scenes to except my Maker. The Lord himself. He's given me this spark of creativity. He's put in me this story that I don't' believe has ever been told.

Several moths ago, I just kept feeling these words in my heart. Let go. Write it. These words would just pop into my head at all times of the day. Let go. Write it.

Write it. Oh, how I love to write. There's something so refreshing and stabilizing and comforting in the spewing of words. I've always been a writer in my heart. Always. And now I am seeing an idea and a story line and characters building in my head like a tropical depression in the Gulf of Mexico.

The story I want to tell could touch a lot of women. Young and old. I believe it's a story that's not explored - the guilt and shame of the young woman who is sexually assaulted by someone she trusts. It happens more than you know. More than any of us care to think about. I would venture to say that someone reading this blog right now has been sexually assaulted and violated by someone they trusted. Maybe more than one. Of course, each circumstance is so different. But I know for me, when my violation occurred at the age of 19, I didn't know what to do or say or how to feel. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt like I was to blame for what had happened to me. Looking back now, it's easy to see that I was not to blame for a man taking advantage of me. Looking back now, I realize how he groomed me and controlled me and manipulated me. And I realize that in that very moment, the moment of the violation, he was the only person to blame for the ultimate act of disrespect and evil.

But there are so many young women out there that suffer in silence, just as I did for so many years. Believing it was their fault. Feeling that they could have or should have done something different and it would have never happened. I feel it on my heart to share my story through this novel to show not only what that guilt and shame can do - where it can take you - but to show you how you can come back from that pile of ruins.

I read the book of Lamentations from the Old Testament several months ago and was inspired. It's not the most uplifting book in the Bible, I must say. Some would read it and think, "What in the world? How could anyone read this book and find it inspiring???" But I did. And I am running with it. My mind is wide open and my soul is on fire.

I feel a little like a fool for coming out so openly with this - the writing of the novel that may or may never be available on book shelves. But it's my story. And I was told to let go and write it. And that's just what I intend to do...


Erika said...

Yay! I am so proud of you and can't wait to read it.

carrie said...

I think it will be great! I also think this is a true calling from God and will be something many will benefit from. I can't wait to read it one day!