Friday, June 25, 2010

Some Days

Some days, all the things that I focus on around me every day - the laundry, the way my son hits the ball at practice, what I will pack to take on a trip, who's mad at me for what this week, friendships, money, the latest gossip - just become so meaningless. So minute. So irrelevant.

Here lately, I've been floating on a big fluffy white cloud when I thought about my mom's health. As I've said before, she looks great. I had commented to her just a couple of weeks ago that her skin on her face looks the best it's looked in years. So smooth and radiant. She seems in good spirits. She takes four horse pills of mildly toxic venom each day. And the every-three-weeks infusion. Doctor's appointments and scans and blood work. She just appears to be doing so well that I haven't fully prepared myself for another bomb to drop.

This morning, I made my a.m. phone call - yes, I talk to my mom nearly every day, sometimes more than once - to ask about her day yesterday. She had a full day of scans and blood work and an appointment with her oncologist. The news wasn't as I expected it to be. In her CT scan, a small spot showed on her liver.

I really have few words. I don't understand. How can you be on medicine and still have new things surfacing. I get that the scans aren't 100% effective at identifying each and every tiny minute spot. The intellectual side of my brain can comprehend. But I am still, on the emotional and spiritual part, trying to figure out why my mom is going through this. I know there's not an answer, but I still seek a valid one. Seek it in vain, I guess. There's no reason or explanation or rhyme or reason to it. That's just life.

There's no doom and gloom for her, though. This doesn't really change anything at all. She had cancer yesterday, and today, she still has cancer. I just don't think any of us - my mom, my dad, me or anyone - was prepared for another blow. Another.

I know that my mom had a more elaborate sense of faith in God than I do. Because of her age. Because of what she's been through. Because she's just amazing like that. But mine is weak. Mine is suffering right now. Mine can't handle blow after blow. I need some time to get back on my feet each time I get knocked down by something. Funny how my mom is the strongest one of us all.

Please pray for her. Please pray that this course of treatment she's on will begin to give us signs that it's working. And if it's not what she needs to be doing, that the best course of treatment be shown to her doctor. Just pray.


carrie said...

I am sorry that this had to hit you and your mom. I will be praying for her and the doctors that treat her!

Erika said...

You guys are always in my thoughts and prayers. I love you!