Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I'm still here...

Yes... I'm still alive. I honestly haven't had the time to sit down and think and type out a post in the last week. Nothing major going on, but I've just had little things to do that involved me being in the car for what seemed like the bulk of last week. Mom's retirement party on Monday, a practice game in Gardendale Tuesday evening, various errands on Wednesday, mom's doctor appointment in downtown Birmingham on Thursday, a field trip to the Birmingham Zoo on Friday, and then a family bridal shower on Saturday afternoon. I was supposed to come home from the bridal shower and head to Pell City to watch some baseball. And I actually began the drive that way only to find as I got about 15 miles from the house that our little team had lost. I turned my car around, parked it in the driveway Saturday evening, and it didn't move until 5:30 last night.

I don't think I've ever been so glad to not go anywhere in my whole life.

So last week was a little frazzled.... here and there and everywhere. I'm a person who has no problem sitting still. In fact, I enjoy it. I love to sit and think or read my Bible. I enjoy the quiet and stillness. So I really missed my quiet time with God last week. And it's got me feeling a little behind.

I don't know why I always feel a little behind when it comes to my relationship with God. Like I'm just not quite where I need to be or want to be or should be. But I guess I'm where I am, so that's a start. I've just got so many things running through my mind. So many thoughts and dreams and beliefs about how God could use me. And then there's me standing right in my own darn way in more ways than one.

I'm my own obstacle in terms of belief in myself. In the belief that I have something to say, an audience who needs to hear my words, and the ability to relay it. In the belief that I can fully learn all I need to know to convey a message accurate with what God's Scripture intends. A belief that I could possibly be a messenger. Because, as I stand today, I don't think I could be taken seriously as a messenger of God's hope. Not that I want to be a female preacher or televangelist or missionary, but I do have a clear vision of writing this book and using it as a stepping stone to speak to young people about making healthy choices and understanding God's forgiveness in the midst of your mistakes.

I guess I have such a clear vision for what I want, and yet I see none of the in between. I am literally walking by blind faith that if I continue to educate myself right now and get a good grasp of the Scriptures that the next step will reveal itself to me. But not even knowing what the next step might be is a little disconcerting.

But I guess that's life, right? Not knowing what the next step is. And so I have to deal with where I am today. And I'm still here.... still trying to learn and put together the pieces of all I've got floating around in my brain. And I guess I have to remain grateful for the process of life and it's ability to keep you on your toes about the future.

1 comment:

Erika said...

Our Pastor says that that is why the Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light for my path and not a spotlight. We just need to take one step in front of the other and let Him lead the way. YOU CAN DO IT!