Monday, March 1, 2010

A Bit Shaken

Do you ever feel that literally your life has been poured into a big plastic container, a tight lid put in place, and that it's being shaken at the most ferocious speed. Back and forth, side to side, up and down, all around...

Well, that's where I am right now. I don't think there's a single part of my life that's been untouched by stress in the last few months. I have lived in a state of spiritual and emotional upheaval and have been completely unaware of when things might get better. And still don't know. But, for sure, one day the top will come of, all the contents will poured out, and it'll most certainly be interesting to see where all the pieces land! That's the adventure of life, I guess. Watching everything fall into place.

My mom is undergoing tests today to enter the study involving her cancer. This all after her fall and consequent broken wrist on Thursday. Just when I think she couldn't possibly carry more on her plate, there's more for her to handle. And somehow she gracefully balances it all. Now her right arm will remain in a cast for up to six weeks, and that will promise to be a challenge for her. But, as I told her, it will most certainly force her to slow down and quit busying herself and doing too much. She has no choice but to depend on the help of others now and rest more so that her body can heal in more ways than one.

Also on my agenda tomorrow is my first step in the possibility of going back to school - I have an appointment with an admissions counselor at the University of Montevallo. I am nervous just to step foot on a college campus, and I am nervous to sit down and talk with someone about all the ins and outs. The money. The number of hours. That stinking Biology class I would have to take that I should have gotten over with my freshman year but didn't out of the fear of dissecting an animal. And the even more frightening thought that I might have to take a college level math. I'm not sure I could pass a junior high school level math at this stage in the game. Dear me.

But I'm going to see about it. I want it so bad. I want to finish. I want to find a little place for myself after all these years of finding one for my kids. I want to put my brain to good use - other than negotiating with a five year old about what's for lunch. And I want to help take some of the financial strain off the household by contributing to the income. We have to begin to build ourselves back up after this difficult period (that's not even over yet). There's just so much weighing on the decision to go back, but I know that it's pretty much now or never.

I have to decide if we'll be able to handle me going back to school, or if I'll just have to go back to work. I'm figuring that it will take me two years to finish. If I'm eligible for any grant money, that would be fantastic because the cost of college has gone up considerably in the last ten years! Hopefully I'll get some answers tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have a little more clarity.

Also on the list of prayer has been my son. I received an email from his teacher last week about his behavior in class. He's struggling with self-control. So we've removed some privileges, and I've talked to him about respect and controlling his behavior, and I'm hoping he can get things straightened out. He's such a bright kid and generally so good in school. One of the privileges I removed is his talking to this little girl on the phone. And the more I think about it the more I realize that there will be some strict guidelines once he gains that privilege back. He doesn't need to be talking to some little girl for 30 or 45 minutes on the phone at night. It has effected his attitude at home - his sister has become more of a nuisance to him, he's easily angered by me, and he generally thinks he way cooler than the rest of us. And I believe it stems from the the little amount of testosterone he has in his little body - she's got him all puffed up inside and believing he's all that and a bag of BBQ chips. And I just think it's a little too early for him to be that effected by what a girl thinks about him. He needs to be worried about what his mama and daddy and teacher thinks about him, as we are the ones who control his whole little world at this point.

So that's just a few things going on at right now. Just a few. I will say that I am trying my best to remain calm and settled despite these rocky times. Trying my best. Some days succeeding more than others, but most days succeeding to some degree. And all the while trying to enjoy the wild ride of the vicious shaking knowing soon it will calm down. Hopefully soon.

1 comment:

carrie said...

For times like these, I am thankful we have gotten back in touch. I would have had no idea what you have had going on it it weren't for this blog. You and your family has had so many trials lately! I cannot imagine how you must fell right now with so many big trials going on. I want you to know that I will be praying for you and all of these areas you have mentioned. I will be praying for strength, wisdom, and clarity. Love you!