Saturday, January 16, 2010

Scattered. smothered, covered...

Not my hash browns, but rather my brain... I feel completely scattered, smothered, and covered. I am having a difficult time maintaining a complete thought and getting small things done here lately. There's just so much running in my little mind all the time that it's hard to focus in on one thing at a time. Adult ADD?? Probably a touch on any average day... Depression?? Probably a touch with all the things going on...

My mom's biopsy went smoothly on Thursday. I don't think I realized how much the event would effect me. But the latter part of this week I've felt distant in my mind and disinterested in life. I just feel so lost in my own thoughts. I don't know why the biopsy would bother me as much as it has. Maybe it's the fact that now the cancer has become more real in my mind. Maybe it's the fact that we will have it written in stone - it is cancer, and it is this particular kind, and this is the medicine we will use to treat it. It's good to have all the facts and the course of treatment outlined for you, but I think I've been living in this imaginary place in my mind and believing that somehow, miraculously, they'd come back and say it's not cancer after all... that they were wrong and it was nothing to worry about! How completely childish of me to believe even in the smallest, darkest whole of my mind that it were possible... but I've been holding on to that, and I am panicking now that I know that imaginary place is about to crumble.

I've also started reading a new book. It's one of those lovely self-help books suggested to me by a very wise woman. And true to self-help form, it's got me thinking way too much about myself and really not liking a whole lot about what I find. Why is it that when you really sit down to take a good hard look at yourself, you wish you hadn't? I find myself at this weird stage of my life - somewhere in the middle. I can look back and see the mistakes I made, see the reasons why, see the hurt it caused me. I can look forward and see the person I'd like to be, the positive changes I'd like to make, and the kind of life the Lord wants me to have. But here I am, in the middle, looking back and forth, confused as to how to get from point A to point B. I know I'll get it all worked out in due time, but I just feel a little antsy.

I've been a little quiet lately on every front. And it's not because I'm sad or angry or whatever. It's just because I'm sorta trapped in my head trying to make sense of my thoughts. So everyone be patient. The fun loving, sarcastic me will be back on the bloggy front again real soon. I promise.

1 comment:

Erika said...

I don't really have any words of wisdom, my friend, just of love and encouragement and the knowledge that you can do whatever you put your mind and heart too. I love you!