Saturday, January 2, 2010

Do we really have to make resolutions?

I don't really believe in resolutions. We all make them or have made them at certain points in our lives. But let's be honest... we don't stick to them. I'd much prefer to pick a point of focus for the coming months or maybe a few goals to strive toward. But in recent years, I'll do this a few times a year, not just in January.

So what's my focus this year? What's my goal? This year I'll focus on learning.

I want to get back to studying the Word of God. I do enjoy reading my Bible. And every time I read a book or chapter I've read before, it means something different or I find something new. I have only in the past few years fully appreciated the Bible. And I need to get back to the old me who longed to sit down and read a little from the inspired word and figure out exactly what God wants me to know... not my childhood concept of salvation or what my high school Bible teacher might have made me memorize for a test. What God says to me.

I also want to focus on learning what God might like for me to do in this world. I've spent the past eight years at home raising my kids. And now, I am thinking it just might be time to get back out there. To finish what I started so many years ago. I am thinking of going back to school.

When I, for lack of a better term, dropped out of college, I had absolutely no direction. After four years of being enrolled in college, I had absolutely no idea what I'd like to be or do with my life. I was in college because it was the thing to do - people always said I was smart and would be something some day, so what else is there to do as a smart young girl after high school but go to college. And change your major three times. And make mediocre grades in classes you should have nothing but A's in. And not apply yourself at all because you were more concerned about everything else besides school. I think I've made my point.

I was in school because I felt it was what I was supposed to do. I had no idea what I'd really like to be, but I just knew I was too smart not to go to school. Right? Now I'm thinking it was pretty stupid for me to waste my time with no goal, no direction, and no belief in myself.

Fast forward fifteen years from my first college class. I'm a mom of two. And I am hungry for a place outside this house. Not for selfish ambition, but rather to use the brain inside my head, my blessing of compassion and empathy, my people skills to help others and perhaps make a little money for the household as well. So, in the next couple of weeks, I'll be putting a call in to a local college and making an appointment to talk with someone to see just what it might take to get me back in forward motion with my college education.

I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. It's been a long time since I've been to college. And, when I went before, I was the age you are supposed to be to be there. Now, I'm a mom in my thirties. And it's been forever since I bought hot chocolate out of a vending machine and took notes in class. I can't even imagine taking notes again. Or studying for a test. Or taking a test. If I let myself flow down this stream of insecurity, I'd never go back. But my excitement about the possibility is far greater than my fear. To be able to go back... just to be able to go back and learn and finish what I started... well, it is the most exciting thought I've had in a long while.

This year. It has so many great possibilities. I know it has its burdens as well. But today, I'm just thinking of all I might learn in this new year. All that awaits.

1 comment:

lsdesmarais said...

I can't wait to hear where this journey takes you! I am so excited for you and hope it all falls into place!