My dearest little girl,
I will never forget the day I found out you were a girl. I just knew you'd be a boy. I had already named you Jacob and perused through the pages of Pottery Barn Kids looking only at the little boy stuff. When the lady doing my ultrasound announced you were a girl, I was so surprised. And mostly scared. I spent the remainder of my pregnancy scared of you - how would I raise a little girl? How could I be all that she deserved in a mother? I was overwhelmed with the thought of a girl who would grow up to be a woman, and I was so scared you would make some of the same mistakes I did and experience some of the same hurts.
Little did I know how you would change my life, how much of a blessing the responsibility of you would bring, and how much I needed you. If you had been a Jacob, I may have never explored certain parts of myself. And I certainly never would have had the delight of listening to your laughter. Oh how your laughter fills the room... our whole house!
You are so pure. You are so alive. You are so wonderful in every way. You are growing up so fast right before my eyes, and it hurts me and excites me at the same time. Yes, my dear, you are loud, and you scream, kick and hit, but I love the fact that you want to be heard and seen. Because, my little one, you have so much to say even at your tender age.
There will be times that you don't like me. In fact, I think there have already been many of those times in our five years together. I just want you to know that even when you don't like me, I like you - to your most inner core, I like who you are, who you were made to be. And you should never change - never mold or melt or adjust who you are in the inner most part of your soul. Go to the grave screaming, kicking and hitting when necessary. Be heard and seen wherever you go. Let everyone know who you are, what you like, what you don't like. And laugh - share that beautiful, sweet, resonating laughter with the whole world along with all the love bubbling up with it. For you are full of pure love, my sweet Madalyn.
Just so you know, I'm not afraid to be your mother anymore. I am blessed to be your mother. So blessed to watch you grow and learn. So amazed in you and who you are. So honored to have been given this gift, one I didn't fully understand so long ago.
I will love you forever sweet Baby Girl...
Your Crazy Mama