Monday, December 7, 2009

Gifts

Most gifts are simply a reciprocation... at Christmas, we have the list of people we exchange gifts with, and usually birthdays are much the same. We always give the children on both sides of the family Christmas gifts, and my kids receive from them. I give my friend a pretty picture frame for her birthday, and then she'll give me a gift card to Starbucks for mine. You know the drill.

This morning, I opened my email and received a gift. I must admit, it's the most emotionally moving gift I have ever received, and I technically haven't received it yet. The email I got was from a company, Giving Anonymously. I had never heard of the organization before, so when I received an email telling me that someone wishes to pass along a gift of money to me, I was a bit skeptical. I Googled it, looked over the website, and determined that it didn't appear to be a hoax. They didn't want my social security number or me to mail a check to Africa or surrender my PIN code for my check card... just simply send an email back verifying they had my correct address, and they would forward me the gift.

All day, I have thought about this gift. I don't know who it's from or how much they want to give me. I feel honored, humbled, guilty, loved, blessed, undeserving. I feel so many things inside about this random act of kindness.

I have made it no secret that my family has encountered financial difficulty this year. We make ourliving through the selling of cars, and unless you have had a set of those over-priced noise reducing head phones for the past 18 months, you've no doubt heard that the car business had taken a blow. Even though most people reading this believe me to be incredibly transparent, I haven't been as see-through about my monetary woes. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. To make promises to pay money back and not be able to follow through... well, it's been difficult for me. To know that you've made incredibly irresponsible decisions with money when you were so blessed to have it pouring in each month... well, that's just pure shameful. To wish you could go back and make different decisions and save more and spend less and not count your chickens before they hatch... well, all that's just useless. What's done is done. What's spent is spent. What's owed is owed. And what's not coming in each month is just simply not coming in each month.

Things are better now that Scott has changed jobs and is given a set amount every month no matter what. And I am amazed every single day that I still have a warm home and a car to drive. I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to be sitting here at my computer and listening to my kids play above my head. I have learned to cherish the simple things so much more this year, and I doubt I will ever be the same since going through this financial hiccup.

And I know that this gift - this anonymous gift - no matter how small or big is truly a sign sent down from my Lord Himself.

I am in the midst of a true spiritual awakening right now. And I am reading this book, as I discussed before. And I am seeing so much of me in the main character. So self-slaughtering like her. Guilty. Shameful. Unable to receive love and simple gifts. And today, after I opened that email, those feelings began to bubble up inside me.

You're undeserving.
You've squandered so much away in years past and been so selfish when you did have plenty.
How embarrassing; someone pities you.
There are so many others who need it more than you do.
You can't possibly accept this gift.

And then as the day went by, the voice of my Creator started to rise above the other and simply said me, "Someone loves you."

Someone loves me. And they don't want anything in return. They want no recognition. They just want to give me a gift and be used as a vessel by God.

I have a strong feeling that the anonymous donor is reading this post and probably crying along with me. And I want you to know that I am more thankful for this gift than any other I have ever received in my life, and I haven't even received the tangible gift yet. You can't imagine the things I am going through right now... the things I am dealing with from my past, the demons in my head I am fighting. The amount you've given doesn't matter, but the timing couldn't be any more perfect. And my promise to my donor is that I will pass along the love that was given to me. I will pass that love along when I am given the chance...

No comments: