Monday, November 9, 2009

At long last...

I am still alive. I just haven't been blogging. I can't really say what I have been doing other than the usual stuff - laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, organizing the mass chaos of life inside our confines...

Seems like the day has gotten shorter here lately. I know that literally it has as the time changed, but this year's change has effected me more than usual. If my memory serves me right, I usually feel better when I gain that hour in the fall. But not this time around. The kids have been up at the crack of dawn every day and have, in turn, been even more grumpy than usual in the afternoons. And on top of that, we've all been battling this little cold that has left me feeling like my energy was washed right down the drain with shampoo in the shower. We are a snotty mess, and all I want to do is lie down and rest. But there will be no such thing...

I have written many posts in my head and deleted them in my mind before even typing the words. I can't even count how many times I have done that lately - written a post and then deleted it. It helps to write some feelings out in bold black letters, but they aren't really the feelings I'd like anyone to see. So I delete it. I think my brain spins too fast sometimes. I have to give the rest of myself time to catch up.

So what's got me spinning here lately? Oh, life. The disappointments of the useless humans here on Earth. Why, oh WHY, did God create us??? We are such flawed individuals with our only truest talent being letting each other down. How depressing is that thought? I've just been the witness of so many truly disappointing things here lately - families torn apart, manipulative behavior, selfishness, despair. And I just have to take a step back and realize that humans are not to be depended upon... not at all. There's really not a human out there who hasn't let me down at some point.

So where do you go from here? From this place of knowing and fully realizing things are never as they seem? That in an instant, it can all change. That with one decision, lives can be torn apart and rearranged. That you can pour your heart out and try to help, and sometimes it just won't work. That the things that get our little human minds to spinning aren't the things that really matter at all. I am trying to take a step back from things and look at the bigger picture.

The bigger picture. What really matters. What will last. What to hold on to. I am trying to cling to my faith. Faith in God, in the goodness that exists only through Him. In the one and only person who ever walked the Earth that actually did EVERYTHING He said he'd do... and that's an amazing thought. Jesus actually did what He said he'd do. If we would all strive to be just a little more like Him every day, wouldn't this place be more tolerable?

I read a blog entry a couple of weeks ago and it closed with a question that has laterally plagued my mind since... "How are you more like Jesus today than you were yesterday?" I stopped and thought about it a minute, and then I read it again. If that question doesn't get you to thinking, then I really don't know what will. It was the fact that I wasn't really sure how to answer it that bothered me...

A conscious effort to be more like Jesus every day. To love like Him - unconditionally, freely, and with grace. To live like Him - with honor, dignity, and purpose. To die like Him - to give up the Earthly ideals and strive to be an example for those around us. What a challenge, especially in a place where your surrounded by people who can't see past their own nose.

So there's my post I've written in my mind and deleted several times. I'm disappointed by life here lately. I'm disappointed by what I've witnessed. But I am trying to hold onto something greater - the only man who did what He said he'd do. The only thing one can really depend on in this crazy mixed up world.

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