Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Where does the road lead?

So, it's no secret that for the better part of this year we have been BROKE. And I have been feeling in my heart that when Madalyn starts big school next year that I should find something to aid our household income - I was feeling that way before things took such a downward turn. I have been looking into some work-at-home type jobs such a medical transcription. My sister-in-law has been doing it for about six years now, and she says she can kinda mentor or show me the ropes.

But here's the catch, and it's what I can't stop repeating in my mind over and over again... Will there ever be a time in my life for me to do something enjoyable?

Maybe that sounds a little crass or unappreciative, but I am just being honest. I have spent the past eight years at home with my kids, and I am so incredibly grateful to my husband and my God for making that possible. I can't imagine it any other way. But these years have not been glorious... there were so many sacrifices made along the way to make it all possible. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on a regular basis, many days without real clothes or make-up, very little in my life to stroke my ego or just make me feel like a real person. That's the huge downfall of staying at home, especially in a situation such as mine where dad is rarely around. You fall into the category of "MOM" and very seldom get to be who you are inside. It's such a frustrating game of balance, and I will admit I have never found the perfect median.

In a perfect world, I would go back to school when Madalyn starts kindergarten next year. There's the perfect little college just miles from my house where I could finish out my undergrad in English and move onto work on an alternative masters in speech pathology where I could work with children one on one. That's where I have felt the pull of my heart over the past several years - a field where I could make a difference in the life of a child one at a time. I have never felt called to teach, but every time I go to David's school and I see those kids, I always feel a tugging on my heart.

But, this is certainly not a perfect world right now.

The economy is terrible. Our financial situation is unstable. There's no money to go back to school and create a career for myself after all these years of putting that part of me aside. So, here I am, almost 33, with no real skills or options. And so I find myself leaning toward a field like medical transcription for all the advantages it offers someone like me - I am sharp and could pick it up over the next year, it offers a flexible schedule so I could still be there for my kids, and it's relatively inexpensive to get started.

This is just not where I imagined myself at 33. Just so not what I imagined. Not that I was stupid enough to believe that all would be golden, but I just imagined myself a little more secure in so many areas of my life. And I have found myself a little disappointed by life lately. Just a little.

Who knows what the road ahead holds... I have a lot to think about and plan. If only we could see ahead and just know the answer or the way. If only it were like a Dora episode, you know - we could call for map to come out of the purple backpack, and he would sing his little, "I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map...." song and tell us exactly what we need to do and where we need to go. If only. But there are so many reasons why I am glad I'm not Dora, so I'll just leave it at that.


Nana's Notes said...
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Nana's Notes said...

Unfortunately stay at home Moms seem to sacrifice the most. Believe me when I tell you that YOUR TIME WILL may not be soon enough for you! Hang in there.

Erika said...

This doesn't necessarily go with your post, but I didn't want to send a whole e-mail about it. I really like the song, This is Your Life by Switchfoot and it goes along with what we have been talking about lately and is somewhat related to this post.