Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Flight 20

Do you ever feel like you are standing in a crowded room watching the world fall apart all around you?

Do I sound a little dark today?

It's not that I'm depressed or truly dark, but rather that I feel like everyone I know and everything is literally falling apart. I don't think I have many friends who are on auto-pilot these days. There's financial turmoil, marriage problems, child-rearing problems, health issues, and the list seems like it could go on and on and on. What's up with that?

I know these problems have been around since the beginning of man, but it really feels like the problems have multiplied and taken over human existence. Is it just the phase of life I'm in now - these fabulous thirties everyone kept telling me would be so much better than my twenties - and that's just where the real problems of your life begin? If so, I'll take a quick trip back to my twenties then when I lived in a one bedroom apartment and had next to no bills and not a care in the world. We could go out and spend a whole day out on the boat in the sunshine with a twelve pack of beer and come back tanned and relaxed. There doesn't seem to be much in the way of relaxation around here lately.

I started a prayer journal today. So I began with three things I am thankful for, and then made a list of people for whom I needed to pray. And the list went on and on. I didn't realize how much was really going on until I put it on paper. Something that I did in hopes to make me feel better and to remember to pray for certain things has temporarily backfired on me. I am feeling a little overwhelmed.

But at least I am not overwhelmed by and only focusing on my life. Now it's just everyone else's.

It's not just that... it's this feeling lately that this is truly the wonderful time in my life I've been waiting on?? And all around me, people tell me, "Oh, you're gonna miss these days!" And I would love to quip back, "I'm gonna miss worrying about how we'll make the mortgage payment? Am I really gonna miss getting creative with what's in the pantry because we don't get paid until Friday? Am I really gonna miss listening to one of my friends weep because her husband walked out on her and their two kids and her power is being cut off today? JUST NOT CONVINCED."

Just not convinced... I don't think the same rules apply to my generation. Who reading this that is in their thirties has not heard of someone killing them self or dying of an overdose (which to me is the same thing) in the last month? Well I have - I think I've heard of three (and, no, that doesn't include the person I know that survived). They aren't people I know first hand, but the death has effected the life of someone I know. These are crazy times we are living in - crazy times. Our generation is broken and falling apart, and most of us are just trying our best to hang on right now.

White-knuckled living. And not the fun skydiving and white water rafting kind of white-knuckled stuff you hear about.

I'm ready for some relief. I know my Lord watches over me, and I know that He alone is the reason I have made it through this far. But I'm just ready for some of these burdens to be lifted off my heart... and most of them aren't my own burdens.

I guess my entry on the first day of my prayer journal should have been, "Help me learn to let go." You see, I can seemingly master the idea of letting go in one area of my life only to find out that I fail miserably at it in another. Almost as if my mind is telling me, "Okay - you can trust and let go in these few areas of your life but you must hang on to your pitiful human control in the others and be stressed out and miserable while doing so."

Oh, dear me. I'm telling you - I'm catching the next flight back to my carefree twenties...

1 comment:

Kristin said...

You are so not alone in feeling overwhelmed. People need architects right now as much as they need a new car I guess. I'm totally hanging onto Luke 12... "But seek God's kingdom, and all your other needs will be met as well. Don't fear, little flock, because your Father wants to give you the kingdom."