Monday, August 31, 2009

So much to say

I have so much to talk about right now, but I am not really at liberty to discuss. That's the thing about blogging... sometimes, you can't really talk about what you want to talk about because someone might read it and then you'd be forced to have a weird and painful conversation. So I just have to censor myself. And if anyone doesn't know this about me already - I DO NOT LIKE TO CENSOR MYSELF.

It's not like I am uncensored in the way that I just fly off the handle and tell you what I think about you and all your faults. I don't think I'm that way. I've just always been incredibly transparent and shared my thoughts well. I am not one who passes judgement quickly or looks down upon others, but I will tell you my story and offer my thoughts about most any part of my life. There are still a few drawers I won't pull open for just anyone, but other than those few topics, I am wide open. Wide open.

So when I have things that happen or situations going on in my life, and I cannot discuss them here tactfully or safely, well... it just frustrates me. This little blog has become my dearest friend in some respects. Okay - sounds slightly pathetic, but I think you know what I mean. It's an open forum, a sounding board, a journal. But many times I have to admit the obvious truth - it is not anonymous.

I am learning so much about the world around me right now. And I am struggling within about some issues. I am constantly struggling with these same issues all the time. Have you ever had a issue or problem in your life, and you think you can see the answer so clearly, but the road in between where you are and where you want to be just seems so impossible and frightening? Well, that's where I am. There are so many changes I want to make in my personal life, but I don't know how to do it or how it will all work out. Sometimes I wish I could skip to the final chapter - just get a little preview - and see how it will all turn out. But that's not how it works.

So, I will just keep on keeping on. Continuing to learn more and more about myself - about how I want be and what I don't want to look like. It's tough, this whole being an adult thing. What makes it even tougher is when you know there are two little ones nipping at your heels and watching every move you make, as well as the moves of all the people you have picked to come into your fold. I just have to be more careful. Need to be much more careful.

Good thing each day is fresh and new. I like that. Because most of the time, when I am finished with a day, I have done a fairly good job of dirtying it up, and I definitely need a fresh one. Happy fresh day to all of you!

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