So many deaths of such famous personalities in the last week!
It's not my favorite subject... death. Maybe because I am still so young and the thought of leaving my kids behind is just too much to think about. Maybe because I feel I have so many loose ends and I am not prepared to meet my Maker. Maybe it's just because death is such an unknown dimension. I mean have you ever had a chance to sit down face to face with someone who has already experienced it and find out what it's really like?
I may not like to think about it or discuss it, but it is a fact that I will die. We all will. Our human bodies are not equipped to live forever. But our souls are...
I guess I have always been insecure in my salvation. It's only fitting as I am typically insecure about, well, everything. I still don't understand exactly what it takes to be saved. I have my childhood interpretation that conflicts with my own interpretation of the New Testament. I remember the first time I actually read the New Testament for myself. I was quite relieved to see so much love and grace and forgiveness. It was quite different from what I remember being taught in Sunday school. But I am still so spiritually immature, and I know it is no one's fault but mine. I go through surges of study, but then I have times when I don't carve out the time in my day to do it. I am still confused about grace and forgiveness, but I must admit I understand the concepts much more deeply since I have children of my own.
I know what it means to love no matter what. And I know how it feels to hug a child in forgiveness, no matter what the sin was.
Any time I hear about a death - one of a star in the news, one from an accident on the interstate, or one of a shooting in the rough streets of Birmingham - I stop to think, "Am I really ready?" I can't help but wonder what kind of legacy I would leave behind. I wonder if my kids have learned enough from me, if I have influenced the people around me in a positive way, and if I have shown God's love through my actions. Of course, in so many ways, I would have to answer, "No." I don't think one could ever do enough, and I certainly haven't taken advantage of many opportunities in front of me. Each day I trying harder, but each day I still end up falling short.
I know we all fall short, but some of us fall shorter. So how short is too short? That's what I don't understand. That's what I struggle with each time I hear about an untimely death. And I wonder if I will measure up if I am called too soon.
So that's my struggle. I am still learning. I am still growing. And I know I should never compare my spirituality to other people's, but it's so difficult not to. So I guess I'll keep moving forward, dusting myself off each day and starting fresh. And each day I move a little closer to understanding what this life is all about.