Monday, June 29, 2009


So many deaths of such famous personalities in the last week!

It's not my favorite subject... death. Maybe because I am still so young and the thought of leaving my kids behind is just too much to think about. Maybe because I feel I have so many loose ends and I am not prepared to meet my Maker. Maybe it's just because death is such an unknown dimension. I mean have you ever had a chance to sit down face to face with someone who has already experienced it and find out what it's really like?

I may not like to think about it or discuss it, but it is a fact that I will die. We all will. Our human bodies are not equipped to live forever. But our souls are...

I guess I have always been insecure in my salvation. It's only fitting as I am typically insecure about, well, everything. I still don't understand exactly what it takes to be saved. I have my childhood interpretation that conflicts with my own interpretation of the New Testament. I remember the first time I actually read the New Testament for myself. I was quite relieved to see so much love and grace and forgiveness. It was quite different from what I remember being taught in Sunday school. But I am still so spiritually immature, and I know it is no one's fault but mine. I go through surges of study, but then I have times when I don't carve out the time in my day to do it. I am still confused about grace and forgiveness, but I must admit I understand the concepts much more deeply since I have children of my own.

I know what it means to love no matter what. And I know how it feels to hug a child in forgiveness, no matter what the sin was.

Any time I hear about a death - one of a star in the news, one from an accident on the interstate, or one of a shooting in the rough streets of Birmingham - I stop to think, "Am I really ready?" I can't help but wonder what kind of legacy I would leave behind. I wonder if my kids have learned enough from me, if I have influenced the people around me in a positive way, and if I have shown God's love through my actions. Of course, in so many ways, I would have to answer, "No." I don't think one could ever do enough, and I certainly haven't taken advantage of many opportunities in front of me. Each day I trying harder, but each day I still end up falling short.

I know we all fall short, but some of us fall shorter. So how short is too short? That's what I don't understand. That's what I struggle with each time I hear about an untimely death. And I wonder if I will measure up if I am called too soon.

So that's my struggle. I am still learning. I am still growing. And I know I should never compare my spirituality to other people's, but it's so difficult not to. So I guess I'll keep moving forward, dusting myself off each day and starting fresh. And each day I move a little closer to understanding what this life is all about.


Nana's Notes said...

Never...never...never compare...its just not fair. When you continue searching, spirituality comes. If you stop searching, you will never find it. Take it from one who has been there.JUST DON"T GIVE UP!

Steph said...

We all fall short, even Peter and Paul. That's why the gap from us humans to God The Father can only be bridged by Jesus and the cross. "Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved..." Acts 16:31 Digging into The Word for yourself is probably the single best thing any of us can do to help ourselves. And then I would try to find a good church home for you and your family if you haven't done so already. Thanks for all your interesting blogs. I feel like I'm reading your diary! :)

RKO said...

John 3:16,17 says “For God so loved Tamara, He gave His One and Only Son to save her. When Tamara confirmed her belief in Him she entered a state of salvation that no one could ever take away. God did not send His Son to condemn Tamara but that through Him Tamara is saved.” Read it for yourself. If you haven’t denied Him, He will never deny you. You are saved. Believe it. Live it. Enjoy it.