Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I find myself longing for it constantly - peace. Quiet. Nothingness. To no one's surprise, I very seldom have the opportunity to experience it. My few moments of peace are usually spent rushing to the store or shoveling lunch into my mouth or cleaning. So the peace becomes tainted and unenjoyable. Today promises peace in the physical sense. My kids are gone. So is my husband. The TV is off. All I hear is a happy little bird outside my window and the hum of my computer.

I constantly crave this kind of moment. One in which I can just sit down and take a breath. No requests or demands. I am the kind of person who enjoys a still moment. Some busy themselves constantly, fretting about back and forth in search of something to keep themselves busy. But I have always enjoyed a still quiet moment each day. As my life has progressed, I find those moments few and far between. When my children were of napping age, I often would retreat to my bedroom and sit on the bed for a few minutes while they were asleep. But Madalyn gave up her nap over a year ago. And there is absolutely no way she would ever allow me fifteen minutes of uninterrupted time while she is in the house. She is the busying type person, and she gets it honestly from her father. They want to be in constant motion, never really longing for a moment of reflection. And I believe this is why I find myself teetering on the edge of insanity at all times around here...

I feel the blue mood of depression trying to settle into my soul. I feel it this time. Sometimes depression sneaks up on me when I am least expecting it. I think I have battled with depression from a very young age - early adolescence. Maybe it's because I was a little chubby and not-so-cute in my early teens. Maybe from the moving from one state to another and feeling out of place. But maybe it is just a part of my makeup. A little blue thread in my DNA that will weave itself into every part of my life. I can feel it work its way through, in and out of fabric of my life. I think I have it under control, but I don't think it ever really goes away. My ability to keep it in perspective is what changes. That blue thread is always there, but I am constantly trying to keep it in its place.

The good news today is that spring is here! Spring is such an amazing thing. All the seasons are really. The past few days, I have watched little sprigs of grass emerge in the yard. One by tiny one. These little sprigs of green pop up amongst the dead dry grass of winter. I always forget how truly green grass really is. But after looking at the drab brown grass for months now, those tiny sprigs of green almost glow with color. And soon, the whole world will be green. Fresh. New. The miracle of Spring. Isn't it amazing that nature has no fear - though the mornings are still quite crisp and the threat of one final freeze is possible, the little sprigs of grass of the tiny budding leaves still emerge with no fear in their maker's infinite plan. How hopeful the spring really is. That no matter what the elements may seem around us, new parts can still emerge and thrive.

The green of spring will overtake the dead of winter. I think it just may overtake the little blue thread that threatens my soul as well. How can you not be hopeful when you watch the spring overtake the winter right outside your window?? All in God's plan. How anyone can deny that there is a God is beyond me. Though sometimes the circumstances of our very human existence seem hopeless, we can look at the master plan of nature where everything works as it is intended through every changing of the season.

Now I am off to enjoy some peace. And green.

1 comment:

Erika said...

Can I get an Amen and an I hear ya? I think I need some drugs.