Friday, March 20, 2009

Being Broke Is Not Becoming

This being broke thing is totally not attractive. Not only because I can't go shopping and buy clothes (which I never really did all that much anyway), but mostly because I have been eating NONE STOP for the past two weeks. Seriously. None stop.

Uncontrollable. Constant state of nervous hunger. Continuous surge of carbs needed to get me through the day. Then I have been washing it all down at the end of the day with a couple of cocktails. Not a good combo for the waistline. Or the hips and thighs.

I have struggled with my weight since adolescence. I actually weighed more at the age of thirteen than I do now. I wasn't obese, but I was just a little chubby. But I was incredibly sensitive about it, and incredibly insecure. I remember in the ninth grade a switch went off inside me and fifteen pounds just melted away. I don't remember changing anything; I just lost weight. And then the summer before my tenth grade year I had jaw surgery. I got really skinny from that, losing another twenty pounds in a month's time. I had never been skinny except when I was five. My surgeon wanted to continue seeing me until I had gained a certain amount of the weight back, but I don't think I ever reached his goal. I didn't want to gain weight - I felt great and thought I looked so much better. And that's when the battle began - the fight to stay skinny.

Up and down. Up and down. My weight has fluctuated vastly throughout my adult life. There are the obvious ups of pregnancy. Then there were the down times - when I divorced my first husband, after I had David and worked out like a machine every day. But right now, I am definitely on the upward end of my scale, and I really don't want to deal with it. I don't want to have to worry about what I eat. I would like to be able to eat as much Cinnamon Toast Crunch and drink as many margaritas as I damn well please. I do love to eat. Food is my friend when I am lonely, a shoulder to lean on when I am stressed, a happy balloon of celebration when things are going great. That's the toughest thing with food issues - food is everywhere and a necessary part of life. Finding the balance is difficult for me.

I am always struggling with balance issues. Eating too much, drinking too much, not exercising enough, not praying enough, doing too much for my kids, not doing enough with my kids - you get the drill. I am constantly battling to find the proper balance of just enough but not too much. All I need with no left overs. How do you find the balance?

Sometimes I wonder if I ever will find the balance in any area of my life. If I can't find the balance of daily caloric intake - if I can't control how much I eat in a day's time - then how in the world will I ever figure anything else out in life?? I mean something as simple as pushing back from the plate - why is it so difficult for me??

I'm starving right now. I think it might be a long weekend.

3 comments:

Nana's Notes said...

The balance will come...it takes time becoming an adult..I don't think I reached adulthood until my forties..there is hope! p.s. I still have food issues. I don't have an aswer for that one!

RunnerMom said...

Running is such a great anxiety-reducer. Did the doc tell you to never run again? Or could you start back slow and easy, making sure you have the right shoes.... I know it's not a cure-all, but I really feel like running has healed me in a lot of ways.

Erika said...

Denise and I were talking about this the other day. I have never been one of those people where I just ate to live. Food is almost the center of everything we do. I will NEVER understand people who "forget" to eat! I'm on an upswing too.