It's amazing what a week can do. Last week this time, I think I may have just gotten my dose of relaxation in my veins and was being wheeled into an operating room. I was really second guessing my decision that morning. A huge wave of uncertainty rolled over me as I waited and waited and waited for the process to begin. I felt guilty and selfish. I thought about the money and how it could have helped so many others or been applied to our ever growing household debt. I thought about my mother and how selfish it was of me to want more when she had lost so much. I thought about my kids and how I wouldn't be able to be my normal mommy self for a couple of weeks. I thought about my daughter and how this decision might effect her self esteem (I thought about that all along, actually. It was just much stronger that morning.)
And then, I went to sleep. And I woke up, which is always good after surgery. And at around 11:00 that morning, the doctor came to my room to check everything out and make sure I was doing okay. And the minute I saw his handy-work, it was worth it. The guilt went away. The worry and the fear of how my personal decision would effect other people disappeared. And I remembered that I had never really treated myself to anything. Don't really even buy myself clothes that often. And I knew that this would do something for me inside that nothing else could. I was no longer looking down at a fifteen-year-old girl's chest with thirty-year-old child bearing hips. It all matches now.
Yesterday I went for a post-op visit. The plastic surgical dressing, which closely resembled saran wrap and smelled awful, was finally removed. The healing process has really been great. Not nearly as bad as I had imagined. There's not a lot of pain involved but rather just pressure and swelling. The worst part for me is that I am unable to do all the things that matter most in my day to day - vacuuming (I am so OCD about vacuuming), making up my bed (I can't really pull or push), picking up all the things that get strewn about. But I am dealing with it. But honestly, I think I will try to vacuum upstairs today. To not have vacuumed in over a week for me is a big deal. I normally vacuum two or three times a week - sometimes more. But I have been good about just sitting back and accepting the imperfections around here.
I am scared of Madalyn, though. We just told the kids I had a female surgery. They were really quite careful for the first few days, but Madalyn has quickly forgotten and has begun to flail herself around and jump on me again. I keep my guard up at all times around her. All I need is her to elbow me in my chest. It would put me to my knees, I promise.
Anyway. I am doing great and feeling great. And I am thankful for all the thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement. And I am throwing away all the A cups today.