Friday, January 23, 2009

One Week

It's amazing what a week can do. Last week this time, I think I may have just gotten my dose of relaxation in my veins and was being wheeled into an operating room. I was really second guessing my decision that morning. A huge wave of uncertainty rolled over me as I waited and waited and waited for the process to begin. I felt guilty and selfish. I thought about the money and how it could have helped so many others or been applied to our ever growing household debt. I thought about my mother and how selfish it was of me to want more when she had lost so much. I thought about my kids and how I wouldn't be able to be my normal mommy self for a couple of weeks. I thought about my daughter and how this decision might effect her self esteem (I thought about that all along, actually. It was just much stronger that morning.)

And then, I went to sleep. And I woke up, which is always good after surgery. And at around 11:00 that morning, the doctor came to my room to check everything out and make sure I was doing okay. And the minute I saw his handy-work, it was worth it. The guilt went away. The worry and the fear of how my personal decision would effect other people disappeared. And I remembered that I had never really treated myself to anything. Don't really even buy myself clothes that often. And I knew that this would do something for me inside that nothing else could. I was no longer looking down at a fifteen-year-old girl's chest with thirty-year-old child bearing hips. It all matches now.

Yesterday I went for a post-op visit. The plastic surgical dressing, which closely resembled saran wrap and smelled awful, was finally removed. The healing process has really been great. Not nearly as bad as I had imagined. There's not a lot of pain involved but rather just pressure and swelling. The worst part for me is that I am unable to do all the things that matter most in my day to day - vacuuming (I am so OCD about vacuuming), making up my bed (I can't really pull or push), picking up all the things that get strewn about. But I am dealing with it. But honestly, I think I will try to vacuum upstairs today. To not have vacuumed in over a week for me is a big deal. I normally vacuum two or three times a week - sometimes more. But I have been good about just sitting back and accepting the imperfections around here.

I am scared of Madalyn, though. We just told the kids I had a female surgery. They were really quite careful for the first few days, but Madalyn has quickly forgotten and has begun to flail herself around and jump on me again. I keep my guard up at all times around her. All I need is her to elbow me in my chest. It would put me to my knees, I promise.

Anyway. I am doing great and feeling great. And I am thankful for all the thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement. And I am throwing away all the A cups today.

2 comments:

Chelle said...

Good for you. Really, you deserve this, doing something for yourself is not a crime against humanity (we just think that because we are mothers).

So, when are we going to get pictures? Not of the doctor's actual handiwork, obviously but, you know, before and after pictures?

Terri said...

Good for you for doing something for yourself. I am glad to hear you are not having a lot of pain though, and i can certainly understand being terrified of being hit by mistake by your daughter. I'd be terrified too!