The day I found out I was having a little girl, I was terrified. Terrified, I tell you. I was expecting it to be a boy - even had a boy name picked out. Jacob. But when the lady holding the transducer told me it was a girl, I was incredibly confused and kept asking how she could tell. I just didn't see the proof, and I certainly had not prepared myself for the news that I was having a girl.
Most women long for a girl. Why was I so scared? I think with a boy, there is less pressure. Sure, I feel obligated to teach respect, discipline, morals, and standards for living. But with a boy, I could never show him exactly what he should be as a husband or a man. But a girl...
Did I mention I was terrified? I take this parenting thing seriously, much more seriously than the average modern mom. Some may not realize that, especially if the only idea of me comes from my entries here. In this spot of the world, I am satirical, witty, and dry often mixed with touches of what seem to be bitterness and resentment and aggravation. This place is just an outlet for those feelings, and that is not the bulk of what resides in my soul. As I stared at that black and white print out of what would grow to be my little girl, my soul filled to the brim with not only sheer terror but hope, happiness, laughter, brightness, and goodness.
I am so grateful for my little girl. She is a challenge every moment of every day. She is demanding. She is high maintenance. She whines and scream and shrieks. However, when she laughs, it fills the room. I can think of no other sound I would rather hear than her laughter. She has such a precious mothering instinct, and I love to see it demonstrated toward her brother, her daddy, and even her little dolls. She loves life with no limits. She dances and doesn't care what she looks like while doing it. She sings even though she can't carry a tune.
She is everything I wish I could still be. Untouched. Unscarred. She hasn't been effected by this world. And I just want to keep her that way as long as I can. I don't ever want her to worry what other people are saying or thinking. I want her to just be who she was put here to be - all the sassiness and spitfire included. She makes me want to return to a place in my soul that I haven't visited in so long - my real self. The self inside that is just content and happy in the moment even if surrounded by doubt and fear. The place inside that isn't afraid to sing along to song even if you don't know all the words. The person inside who isn't worried about what her stomach looks like while she is sitting in a chair in her bathing suit. Just that pure place inside that just says, "This is who I am, and that's okay." That is what my baby girl reminds me to work toward every single day.
All the struggles with her are worth it. Every frustrating day when I just can't wait to put her to bed are worth their weight in platinum. Because, I can say with certainty that at some point of every day with my sweet girl, she reminds me of pure happiness and gives me hope that it is still in all of us. All we have to do is pull it back up.
Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!!