Friday, January 9, 2009

Love and Marriage

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Oh, boy. Love. Marriage. I am really struggling these days. I am really struggling. Me. I feel like my skin is too tight. Maybe my insides are too big. I just feel like I don't fit anymore. Is it my age? Is it this particular phase of marriage - the nine year mark - that is just one of those times? Is it my fault or his fault or both or neither or all of the above? Why is marriage so hard? Why is being an adult so hard?

I used to keep the above passage from 1 Corinthians above my sink in the kitchen. It was my New Year's resolution one year to try to live by this scripture. I don't remember how successful I was in that year, but obviously whatever strides I made quickly disappeared. Oh, I just think you reach these plateaus in your life where you look around and realize you have lost sight of so many things. I have lost my faith in God - well, not completely, but rather I have drifted away from it. I have lost faith in marriage - again, not completely, because I am still digging in my heels and working hard to improve myself and the way I communicate and the way I respond in my marriage. I have just lost this sense of joy and peace that I used to have. And I think I know the reason - I currently have no scriptures above my sink. None.

I know my posts are so vague and confusing when I speak about my spirituality and marriage and struggles within. But I can't get into specifics here, and I don't feel like that's important. This is just me venting basically. Putting down some thoughts so I don't forget. Putting my feelings and goals out there for a minute sense of accountability. Because I do want things to be different. I want to look different. I want to feel different. But that's a hard task.

I am working on loving better - real love, without limits and restrictions. I am working on forgiveness. I am working on patience. I am working on trust and hope as well. I am working on a major inner overhaul. And it is exhausting right now. But I am just gonna keep on working until I am satisfied with myself.

This could take a while.

3 comments:

Erika said...

You can do it. I have faith in you.

NB said...

Tamara,

We all go through these phases, and this is a phase. WHen you feel that you are not getting what you want from your significant other, when you dont feel appreciated or wanted. Believe me, you are appreciated and loved and somebody very important in your families lives, they just dont voice it as much as you need or when you need to hear it.

And another thing, there is no-one, no-one in this whole wide world who knows what you want, except you. So go for it! And you are on the right track,- Thank God, Be grateful, take responsibility for your happiness.
I hope this helps. Good Luck!

carrie said...

I think your husband's work hours are probablt negatively impacting every assect of your lives. When Brad and I first got married, he worked those hours. I will say that we were not truly married until 2 years later when he worked less. I will pray for you and your marriage! I am proud of you for being willing to openly admit a change!