"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
Oh, boy. Love. Marriage. I am really struggling these days. I am really struggling. Me. I feel like my skin is too tight. Maybe my insides are too big. I just feel like I don't fit anymore. Is it my age? Is it this particular phase of marriage - the nine year mark - that is just one of those times? Is it my fault or his fault or both or neither or all of the above? Why is marriage so hard? Why is being an adult so hard?
I used to keep the above passage from 1 Corinthians above my sink in the kitchen. It was my New Year's resolution one year to try to live by this scripture. I don't remember how successful I was in that year, but obviously whatever strides I made quickly disappeared. Oh, I just think you reach these plateaus in your life where you look around and realize you have lost sight of so many things. I have lost my faith in God - well, not completely, but rather I have drifted away from it. I have lost faith in marriage - again, not completely, because I am still digging in my heels and working hard to improve myself and the way I communicate and the way I respond in my marriage. I have just lost this sense of joy and peace that I used to have. And I think I know the reason - I currently have no scriptures above my sink. None.
I know my posts are so vague and confusing when I speak about my spirituality and marriage and struggles within. But I can't get into specifics here, and I don't feel like that's important. This is just me venting basically. Putting down some thoughts so I don't forget. Putting my feelings and goals out there for a minute sense of accountability. Because I do want things to be different. I want to look different. I want to feel different. But that's a hard task.
I am working on loving better - real love, without limits and restrictions. I am working on forgiveness. I am working on patience. I am working on trust and hope as well. I am working on a major inner overhaul. And it is exhausting right now. But I am just gonna keep on working until I am satisfied with myself.
This could take a while.