Monday, January 12, 2009

I just need some space...

I have this issue with my children. Well, mainly with Madalyn, but David does it some as well. I have absolutely no personal space. No privacy. Even in the most delicate of moments, none allowed. I know it is a part of motherhood, but I am just feeling a little claustrophobic lately. As I type, Madalyn is leaning on me with her bowl of dry Special K, crunching in my ear and dropping crumbs on my leg. Of course, I love the fact she wants to be near me. It is sweet, and I recognize there will be a day that I long for her to lean on my arm again as I try to type. However...

I would love to take a bath without either one of my children coming in the bathroom. I have always excused Madalyn because of her age and sex, but she is about to turn four, and I feel she is old enough to understand that there are certain times I need to be left alone. Don't get me wrong; David is no better. At seven, he still doesn't hesitate to enter the private sanctum and ask me a question while I am in the tub or on the pot. Granted, he is of the age of reasoning, and he has a better understanding of privacy. But there are times when the need to tell me something overcomes the knowledge that mama doesn't want to be seen naked in the tub.

I feel like the battle is reaching an all time height. Madalyn is a stubborn child. Not really strong willed, just genuinely the truest embodiment of stubborn. If I tell her to leave me alone, she is back within seconds to try another angle. If she comes into the bathroom with a specific request (in this morning's case it was to put on a necklace) and I ask her to wait until I am out and dressed, she is back within a minute right beside the tub asking if I am out yet. Obviously, she can see that I am not out, and that only makes me more angry and aggravated. Part of the problem is that I take baths mostly, and I guess they feel since I am out in the open that I am ready available for conversation and counsel. But I have never done well shaving in the shower, and I am one who has to shave every day. So I am not taking a leisurely bath but a bath of necessity.

It makes no difference if I am in the shower, though. Then Madalyn stands outside the shower door asking me questions. Mainly she giggles and asks, "Can you see me, Mama? Can you see me now?" I make it no secret to anyone who will listen that my biggest battle with my children is my own battle with patience. I try as hard as I can to maintain my composure, and these little day to day instances drive me to the edge of insanity and make me want to climb on top of my roof in perfect suburbia and scream at the top of my lungs, "TWO CHILDREN AVAILABLE!!!! FREE FOR THE TAKING!!!! YOU WILL NEVER FEEL LONELY AGAIN BECAUSE THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE!!!!!!"

But, I don't. I somehow keep it all inside. Every now and then, I do lose my cool and yell for them to leave me alone. And then I feel guilty for raising my voice. What's a mother to do? This vicious cycle...

So, I really don't know when I will be able to take a bath with having to assist Madalyn in putting on her Sleeping Beauty dress. Or when I will be able to take a crap without discussing with David what he did at recess that day. Or when I will be able to change my Kotex Ultra Thin without having to watch Madalyn do her cheerleader jump for the twentieth straight time. But at some point in my life, I guess my private activities will become private again. But perhaps by then I might have grandchildren.

4 comments:

Erika said...

I hear ya. With Peyton it is getting a little creepy as I think he actually seeks me out when I am in various states of undress.

Keri said...

now now ... where are your comments about what you are thankful for :) haha

Chelle said...

And this, too, shall pass. One day, Madalyn will show a distinct preference for being nowhere NEAR you (except when Jupiter alighns with Mars in just the right configuration. Or, you know, she needs money).

I'm assuming it eventually happens with boys, too although; the Cub is still a repeat visitor to my bathroom even at age ten. Thank goodness he at least knocks before entering so I can make myself presentable.

Terri said...

I like the fact that you are always honest about what it's like to be a mom. It helps folks like me, who are still undecided, to know that it's not always perfect. My mother in law said to me that if anyone tells you that it's all wonderful, and blah-blah-blah, especially in the first two years or so, that they're lying.