Last night, I threw away the last of the left-overs from Thanksgiving. I have been grazing on them since Thursday - especially Scott's grandmother's famous Derby pie which is a chocolate, pecan concoction that is just too wonderful. I literally kept a plastic fork on top of the Derby pie and I ate on it all day. Saturday I was busy preparing for people to come over to watch the Iron Bowl (congrats to all the Alabama fans reading for the complete annihilation of the Auburn Tigers!!) so I ate nothing but nibbles off the pie until about 2:00 that afternoon. Even though I have been making poor choices lately, I can at least say I am not eating nearly as much as I used to. So hopefully I won't inflate like a balloon over this holiday season.
As for the decorations, I would say I am almost done. I worked all day yesterday getting things up and put away. I was up and down the attic ladder twenty times, and my legs are sore enough to prove it. All I have left to do is put ornaments on my tree upstairs and put my stuff out in the yard. But today is no day for doing anything outside as it is windy and quite cold. I have already been out to clean leaves out of the pool. I think we only have a couple of weeks left of the leaves, and I will be so glad once they are all down. I am so over sticking my hands down in forty or fifty degree water to fish leaves out of the skimmer. And then the wind blows on your cold, wet hands and it feels like they are about to break into a million pieces. So if I can just make it a couple more weeks then perhaps I will begin to remember those fun summer days in the pool instead of wanting to strategically place a bomb in the backyard and blow up the pool and all those freaking trees behind the fence that are making me crazy these days.
I think my mood is lifting a little (despite fantasies of blowing things up). This has been a tough year. Just tough all the way around. No major catastrophes, mind you, but a difficult year on my marriage. In case anyone hasn't noticed, the economy is on a lock down, and since we are commission employees in the car business, any little economic hiccup affects us. My husband already worked too much, but when things started to get tough, he tightened down even harder. Twelve hours a day, six days a week is not healthy for a marriage, I don't care who you are. And I have also struggled with his parents' situation. They separated back in the spring after several years of back and forth in their relationship. I won't get into any of the details out of general respect to them, but the whole situation has just scared me a little. Obviously my husband has many similarities with his father. How can he not? His dad has been the only example during his life of what a husband and father should be. So watching a forty year marriage pretty much crumble has been disturbing to me even though I wouldn't say I am not all that close to my in-laws.
I must admit going into this marriage I had no Cinderella fantasy about marriage. After my first - you know, the one that lasted seven months and ended with some other chick's earring in my sheets and his confession that he had been doing blow every day at work - I would say my expectations were probably pretty low, to say the least. I never dreamed it would be easy, but maybe I was stupid enough to believe that it would get easier as the years went by. You would think after nine years of marriage communication and conflict resolution would be easier. But that is not necessarily true, I have discovered, especially once you throw in a couple of kids and a mortgage. And then on top of that nine years worth of hurts and disappointments and trials and forgiveness. My marriage has been through a lot of tough times, and I have the scars and the memories of it all. So Scott and I have been talking a lot lately about what I want out of our marriage. Of course, we have talked about what he wants as well, but I am really the one who hasn't communicated the best over the years, which seems so strange as I am the one who is constantly talking. I think, perhaps, that my expectations were so low at the beginning that I never really thought about the nine years later part. I never really got that far in my mind. I don't really know if you can think that far down the road when you are the ripe old age of 23 (well, I was almost 23). I was a baby. And that baby is still growing up and changing and evolving and discovering what she wants out of life with every year that passes by.
Anyways - maybe it's time to toss out some of the other left overs in my life. I think you are always dealing with the hurts from your past. I think you are always trying to resolve them in some way. And for a while now, I really thought I had dealt with things a lot better than I really had. But my general nature is to avoid conflict and confrontation, so I tend to push things down and deny myself feelings. Oh, I have really gotten deep on this one, haven't I? If I start to refer to myself in the the third person, we will all know I have completely lost it. Whatever - all I am saying is that I am trying to be a better person. A better wife. A better mother. Just a better me. And that involves being completely honest about my feelings and needs and desires. I am sure anyone who reads this blog is probably not believing I have any trouble expressing myself. If only life had a keyboard...