Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
I love the Psalms. It is my favorite book of the Bible, right next to Romans. Those are my favorite two. They are both so challenging yet comforting and full of possibility. I go through times in my life where I read more of the Bible. Lately, I haven't read at all. And it shows, inside and out.
Like most people who were raised in a church going family, in times of personal crisis, I pull out my Bible and read. Yesterday, I was embarrassed as I read. It had really been too long, and I know my ignoring of the scriptures is a big part of my personal struggles within. But as I read the Psalm I just randomly opened up to, I felt humbled. And spoken to. How does He know? How does He do it? I know He is God, and He knows all things, even those things we don't want to admit to ourselves. But how does it all come together the way it does in perfect timing? I know that it is His Spirit that threads it all together, but anytime I see it demonstrated, I am taken back by it and amazed.
I am in need of an overhaul. Crazy Mama needs a restoration. She needs to bathe herself in the joy of a salvation that is there for me but I have never been able to wrap my hands around. I've been grasping and searching and running and hiding and pushing and pulling and kicking and screaming and wanting and ignoring and just existing for too long. And it is just time for me to work on myself in a deeper way. Work on my faith. Work on my purpose. I know I need to make a lot of changes, but I will have to do it one step at a time. I told you all I was crazy. At least you know that honesty is not a weak point in my character.
I don't know how much of my spiritual journey I will blog about. A lot of it is entirely too personal to share amidst stories about baseball and what I ate for lunch. But I know that by typing these words there are a handful of people - really great, remarkable, God fearing people - that will include me in their thoughts and prayers. And I know we all need that - lots of prayer.