I have been trying to blame my horrible mood and anxiety on the economy or my kids lately. But I think today there is no denying that it is hugely hormonal - these feelings of aggravation, frustration, irritation, and homicidal feelings. Seriously, I think I could kill someone with one hand right now. And then, I would probably eat them because I am so freaking hungry.
Weight Watchers is going well. Or, I guess I should say that I am following the regimen well. My soul is not faring as well. I am a food addict. I have no doubt. I don't really look like one, I know. I am a respectable size eight. But no one can even fathom the amount of food I can sit down and eat. It is unbelievable. And the Weight Watchers program has made me realize how out of control my eating habits had become. So I am starting my fifth week today, and I am still hungry. Gnawing hunger. All day. I don't know what it means. Am I really hungry? Is it acid reflux? Am I a nut case, and is there some one out there right now preparing my bed at the nearest institution? I don't know...
All this comes together when I say this - I had to eat chocolate today. Don't get me wrong; I eat chocolate, in some form, every day of my life. And I will until the end, unless a doctor shows me cold hard evidence that I am severely allergic and it could kill me. Normally, I will just indulge in one or two Hershey kisses - usually the dark variety because that is just my fave. But today called for a higher dose of meds... 5 little mini chocolate candies (two mini Snickers, three mini Mars). Oh, and I can't forget about the half of a mini I had to eat because Madalyn declared she didn't like it after taking one bite. You didn't think I could throw it away, did you? That would be wasteful. It is times like these that if I hadn't been in the same room with her when she was born, I would have to ask where she came from. How can you not like anything chocolate? Unless it has coconut in it, and then I can excuse it. But chocolate, white fluffy nougat, and caramel all together - what's not to like???
Anywho. I have some monster snakes in my head right now. It is like this whole eating thing is breaking me down. I am losing weight - 5.5 pounds so far. But being forced into a different relationship with food is messing with my head. It is making me even more grumpy than I usually am. But I will continue on with a much healthier approach to my life. And hopefully as the pounds continue to come off, my dependence on things like chocolate will diminish. Maybe a little.