Well, we went bowling today. And it really went well I would say for David's second time and Madalyn's first. There was just this one little problem - Madalyn. And she may be small in stature, but she has a giant spirit. If she is in the room, everyone knows it. We were eating dinner with some friends the other night, and she started her squalling about something, and someone said, "She needs help." And I responded, "She needs help 24 hours a day. If she's awake, she needs you to do something for her." And Scott laughed and agreed with me (which is rare that we ever agree about the kids because I spend too much time with them and he not enough). But it is so true. She is just so high maintenance and demanding and constantly requiring something. She will scream for a certain cup to drink from. I'll get it down only for her to then want a different one. So, I'll get that one then for her to go back to the one I originally had. This is why I don't need any more kids. I cannot deal with these types of things. My level of anxiety has been through the roof lately, and I know that it is linked to my dealings with Madalyn.
Now, I will be the first to admit that I completely understand that I am in control of the general mood of the house. Being the adult and all, I know that I have choices and decisions to make about how I react to my children and therefore teaching them how they should react to me. But I will also admit that I am failing horribly with my children lately. I would just love for my kids to obey me the way I obeyed my parents. If my father said to me, "Take this yellow piece of paper and put it to the left of the stapler on the desk." Well, by George, that's what I did. There was no "Why?" or "I'll do it later." There was no discussion. You just simply did what you were asked to do. Granted, I was afraid of my parents, and I really don't want my kids to be afraid of me. But maybe it wouldn't be half bad for them to be a little scared from time to time. And it is more so an issue with Madalyn, because she just doesn't care. If I say that it's time to put on clothes to go somewhere, she starts running around the house. Unfortunately, my laundry room connects between my master bath and my kitchen. So she literally runs in a circle, and if she doesn't fall or stop, I can't catch her. So, I have started spanking her and then making her follow through with what I have asked her to do. Then I always follow up with, "When your crazy mama asks you to do something, you do it." Well, maybe I don't tell her that I am crazy. I don't think we need to spell that out. Even the kids are quite aware.
Oh, I am rambling in a horrible way. All of this to say, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I wish I were that mom who just dripped with sweetness and oozed affection every second of the day. But I am not. And I wish I had more patience that could last me through walking down the gutters of the bowling lane three times to fetch a ball that didn't make it all the way down. But I don't. And I just inwardly struggle between the kind of mom that I am and the kind I want to emulate. And I guess I am doing an okay job. Even though at the end of most days I can find more that I have done wrong than right. But I do see that they both love me dearly. So, at the very least, I have taught them love. I think.