I am sure I'm not the only thirty-something mother of two who is just in a funk. It's not that anything is wrong per se. Nothing is pressing. We could have more money in the bank, of course, but the bills are paid for the month and there is food in the pantry, so I am not worried about that. My kids are healthy. They are a little sassy at times and do things I would rather they not do, but for the most part, they are great kids who are witty and cute and make me smile every day. My husband is a great guy. He works too much and too hard and can be quite demanding, but he does all he can do to keep me and the kids taken care of and happy and safe. So what's wrong? Why am I in a funk? Why do I just feel this urge to scream?
I think sometimes I just feel invisible. Like I am not really here. Though people around this house depend on me for everything, I am not really a person to them. I am mom, maid, cook, searcher for lost things, cleaner-upper, etc. And that has been my internal dilemma for quite sometime. Why do I feel so inadequate inside? Why do I feel the need to be validated when I am obviously needed so much? I desperately need to shift my focus. I need to strengthen my faith.
Like most people, my faith in Christ comes in waves. When I am going through a crisis - like my mother's cancer, or when I was having odd health problems of my own - I dive into the word of God and find comfort and wisdom and strength. Then when I am okay, I sort of fall to the wayside and don't make the time to keep up my studies. I know that this feeling of funkishness (I think I just invented a word - you know I was an English major) is a desire for more in my life. A need for a purpose other than doing homework with a first grader or potty training a toddler. Though those things are my daily tasks in life, they do not make up who I am. I need to find a higher purpose for my daily living, even if it is just a kind word to the clerk at the grocery store. I need to get back to my spiritual side that I have seemed to ignore for the past months.
Yesterday, I began the ladies Bible study at the church where we attend but are still not members. One reason is because I was not raised Baptist, and I just don't know if I ever want to be Baptist. I am just a Christian, and I don't really feel the need to subscribe to any denominational titles. But one reason we haven't joined is because I have been too afraid to commit myself, feeling that this time will be like all other times and I will falter in my faith. But I am more capable than that I think. Don't get me wrong; you will not find me coming to the altar Sunday morning asking when the next "Join our Church" class is. But I will make the commitment to myself to delve into this study and build myself up again. Like I said at the beginning of the year, this will be a year of taking care of me.