I just really need some time away from these children. More than a few hours. More than I have been getting. The days are getting longer and longer, and it's just me. There's no back-up, no second shift coming in to relieve me. It is me from 7:30 in the morning to 7:30 at night. I am just plain weary. Scott will be taking his first day off (other than Sunday) in about a month on tomorrow, so that will be nice not only to have some time with him that I need, but to have another parent around that can fetch things and answer screams from upstairs and calm siblings entangled in war. I hate feeling this way. I feel like I get to a point - so rundown, so aggravated, so insane - where I become this horrible mother. Right now, there's not much about them I enjoy. Even bedtime has become a way for Madalyn to terrorize me. I am in and out of that room fifteen times before she will go to sleep. Oh, and that's at naptime, too. Every few days or so, I will tell Scott to give her one of his "peptalks". It is amazing how much better she responds to him than to me. And what is up with that? How insulting is that? I mean, we shared a body. I housed her in my womb, very uncomfortably at times, and then pushed her out... I'll just stop there. Why will she not listen to me? Why have I not figured her out yet? What in the hell makes her tick?????
She has started laughing at me. And it just makes me angry. There are so many afternoons that I just have to walk out of the room because I am afraid of what I might do if I don't get away from her. I try to remind myself of the things I was taught in my childhood. Imagine me saying this in the best southern preacher voice I could possibly do: "The Lord will never give you more than you can handle." Well, I just have one question. Do you reckon even he might get someone confused for someone else every now and again? I mean, there are a whole lot of people in the world. Surely this child was meant for someone with much more patience, much more energy, much more creativity.
As I write, the children are above me, running from room to room, and Madalyn is screaming, "STOP!!!! STOP!!!" And David and screaming back, "Be quiet!!" And I am thinking I agree with David. Also, a fly is buzzing around my head and won't leave me alone. I don't know which is worse, honestly. There is hope however, because my dearest friend in the whole world is coming this weekend. And the brightest, most glorious part of that news is that my children will be going to spend the night away that Saturday evening. I plan to be very selfish this weekend. And I plan to inform my husband of that fact. He is just going to have to play mama for the weekend. Minus the crazy, of course.