The cough is back. David's cough. The same cough that sent him to the hospital almost four weeks ago. The same hacking cough that we have dealt with for the past three years now. And before the cough, it was the constant nasal congestion that started around a year of age. But even before that was the allergy to milk. It has definitely been building and building over the years - this awful respiratory reaction his body goes through. And my worry has been building as well. Last night, I noticed the cough a few times. No big deal, right? Just a little cough. But this morning, it is definitely a big deal to me - the mother. The same mother that is handing him over to my parents tonight so that I can go away for the weekend. That's where the real fear takes over.
The most painful part of being a mother, to me, is not being in control. But I guess that would be the most painful part of being human. I just want to be able to wave my little magic wand and make everything perfect and as it should be. No one wants to see their child suffer even minutely. It has bothered me for years now that David has a constant cough. I had discussed it at length with his doctor. "It is not normal to cough this much," I had said. And then when I took him to the ER in the wee hours of a Sunday morning, it was definitely not normal for his oxygen level to be at 87%. And there I was, looking over him helplessly, unable to make it better. Barely able to hold it together for him. Completely not in control. And then, that night we spent at Children's Hospital, lying there watching him sleep and the watching oxygen monitor go up and down as he went deeper and deeper into sleep. I have never prayed so fervently or sincerely in my life. I have never felt the peace of God take over my heart like that before. When it is your child lying before you and you offer him up to your Lord, it just feels different. I need a fraction of that peace right now. I know that he is probably fine - it is just a cough, and we can beef up the steroid inhaler to twice a day. But I am so scared to leave him.
Anyone who reads this post (probably just one person who is required by the high school BFF code of law to read this daily), say a prayer for the millions of parents across the world who watch helplessly as their children battle health issues of their own. Some health issues as common as asthma, others as tragic and unexplainable as cancer. All these parent's need the peace of God.