Laying it down...

When I was 16, a boy asked me to hold his cigarette for him while he bent over to tie his shoe.  In that moment, I felt like the gates of hell were opening wide for me for simply holding the cigarette.  Can you imagine how I would have felt if I had dared to put it to my lips????  I would have needed a few extra hours of over-priced therapy.  Anywho... the big naughties in my mind growing up were cigarettes, alcohol, and sex.  During my high school years, I successfully refrained from all three and felt like a I was one step closer to heaven for doing so.

I don't hide the fact that I drink alcohol from anyone.  I know that this goes against the beliefs of some and that others are not entirely opposed to consumption of alcohol.  I won't get into that debate here today as that's not my intention behind this post.  I will only say that every human being has a sinful nature, but our compulsions, or the things we choose to ease the angst in our soul, are all different.  Some choose alcohol, food or sex.  Some choose to immerse them self in their job.  Some escape by reading book after book after book.  Some run.  Some beat their kids or their spouse.  Some yell at and belittle others.  No matter how it presents itself, we are all looking for a way to settle our souls, to find a place of peace, to work out the anger, fear, frustration that we feel internally.  

I choose the night cap.  Mix a little of this with a little of that, and I can relax.  Not get drunk, rather just relax.  Is this wrong?  I don't know the answer to that question.  What I do know is that it wasn't the place God intended me to find a little peace and relaxation...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  John 14:27

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

In my readings, I have discovered that my focus should be on God.  Feeling anxious?  Pray.  Feeling stressed about the kids?  Pray.  About the bills?  Pray.  About your mom's cancer?  Pray.  I have yet to read in the Word that when you feel anxious you should have a margarita, though I was hopeful at one time I just may find it if I dug deep enough.  Maybe in Ecclesiastes?  Nope, not there.  I digress... 

Over the past few years I had toyed around in my mind about giving something up for Lent.  This year, I set my heart to observe it, and I began to think on something that I could give up that would actually make a spiritual difference in my life.  I could give up chocolate, but on Easter Sunday, I would eat every piece of chocolate in sight, and it would be plentiful.  The sacrifice wouldn't leave a lasting impression on me.  My mind {and soul} finally settled on liquor.  Now, maybe all you pretty Christians cringe when you hear me say that I am giving up liquor for Lent, and that's exactly why I haven't blogged about this yet.  There's a huge part of me that finds it embarrassing that my taste buds desire a spiced rum and diet cola, but another part reminds myself that everyone reading my words struggles with their own sinful nature.  My compulsion may not be your compulsion, but it's no different from any other sin.  It's taken me years to get past the high school me, the one who thought I was dirty for holding a cigarette I didn't even know how to light, the me who thought my salvation was earned through a list of earthly things I could successfully avoid.

Do you find it a coincidence that I would face one of the most stressful times in my life (as in the discovery of a malignant tumor in my mother's brain) the week following the beginning of Lent?  I think not.  I am amazed at the lessons God will teach you as He works on your weakness.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9

The past few weeks have been filled with nights that I would have loved to have jumped right into a bottle of  spiced rum, vodka, or tequila and bathed in it.  But the kicker was that I wrote out a covenant with God that I would refrain from all liquor during the 46 days of Lent.  Do you have a clue how powerful it is to write out a promise to God?  It's life changing... I have never done it before, but it's definitely something I will use again as a tool of accountability.  By making the promise to Him, not to myself, I have been forced to call on Him, think on Him, when I have felt tempted.  These weeks have also shown me that God is able to fill any space inside of me if only I ask Him.  He is able to calm any storm within my soul.  And the glory of it all is that I can indulge in as much God as I want to without any morning-after headaches or empty calories.

So maybe your compulsion is different from mine... maybe your distrust in God to fill the empty parts of you manifests itself through something else.  Don't worry; I won't judge.  I will simply say to think it over... pray about it... lay it down at His feet and watch what His Power can do inside of you.

The Spirit...

Forgive me a minute while I spread some good news.  It's something that has always been, but it took me a while to figure it out.  I've called upon its strength so much in the last week and a half that I want to share what I have learned in hopes that it opens the eyes of just one person who might be reading my words.

This verse sent chills up my spine:

And you were also included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation.  Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are in God's possession - to the praise of his glory.  {Ephesians 1:13-14}

I can't tell you how old I was when I first heard the Gospel.  The miraculous story of the birth, the life, the crucifixion, and the rising of Jesus Christ was as much a part of my DNA as my brown eyes.  Some of my earliest memories involve church whether it be hearing the Creation story in Sunday school or Sunday evening ice cream suppers.  I don't remember the moment in my life when I heard and believed, and oddly enough, I don't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel the presence of God within me even though I didn't fully understand what it was.  It wasn't until I was well into my twenties, after the birth of my first child, that I started to read and explore the Word Of God for myself that I realized that little quiet voice inside of me was God's Holy Spirit.  The Spirit had tried its best to direct me through so many times in my life, but I didn't understand, and, unfortunately,  I didn't listen.  Once I recognized the voice, though, I became so much more aware of its presence.  

... his sheep follow him because they know his voice.  {John 10:4b}

Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."  {Isaiah 30:21}

That doesn't mean I haven't been rebellious or untrusting since then.  I wish I had not, but I am certainly far from perfect.  There have been moments, quiet moments thick in spiritual battle with my own little demons, that I haven't followed His direction.  But over the last few years, I have tried desperately to be more tuned into Him, more aware, more attentive to that quiet Voice and Presence.  Some times are easier than others... most often I have to quiet the noise in my head to hear the Voice, shutting out the influence of my own sinfulness and frail humanity.  Listening to His direction isn't always the default choice of my brain or the easiest to carry out, but the benefits of following His guidance is worth it in the end.

There are other advantages of the Spirit as well.  Look at these two promises from Romans:

But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness.  And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.  {8:10-11}

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.  {8:26-27}

The very same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives inside my body.  The first time I read Romans, I remember reading that passage over and over and over.  I couldn't move past it... it gave me chills to know that God cared enough about me to put that much Divinity within my sinful body.  It began a long process of trying to live better, trying to be more worthy as the Spirit's dwelling place.  And, of course, the process still rages on today.  

The second promise takes my breath away, and I fully know it to be true.  God's Holy Spirit is our ally. When I got the call last Monday that my mother had suffered a seizure or a stroke, I hit the floor.  Literally, my body fell to the floor, and I had no words.  There are no words in those moments.  There is nothing adequate to pray.  I could lie and say I was calm and prayed God's will be done, but I did not.  I couldn't.  It's my mother.  I couldn't pray at all... all I could do was put my face to the floor and cry out to God.  But the promise is that in moments like those, we don't need words because we have the Holy Spirit.  He speaks for us when we are unable.  He petitions our Creator when we are at a loss of words.  

The past nine days have been a blur of emotion, a complete system overload.  But deep inside of me, if I quieted my mind, my doubts, my fears, I could hear the Voice saying, "It is well.  Just be still."  It's hard to be still when there's so much going on... hard to quiet the madness in your head.  But He is there with all the strength and power you need and then some.  That is what I learned, what I experienced first hand.

So how do you get it?  How do you find it, tap into it, get your heaping dose of the Spirit?  

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you..."  {Jeremiah 29:12-14a}

Now, I don't claim to be a Bible or theological expert.  I'm just a Christian with a love for the Word.  And I fully believe that we don't need to be scholars to read the Word of God and understand it.  Salvation is not just for the elite or overly intelligent.  It's for all who accept and believe.  I think the common denominator you'll find, though, in Christians who fully embrace their Salvation through Christ, is the quest.  The search.  In order to find God, Jesus, the Spirit, you have to start looking.  He beckons you to do so, but you have to make the step.  

This may sound radical to some of you reading this, but I don't care.  God is radical.  Grace, love, salvation, and the Holy Spirit make no sense to a logical mind.  And, to be honest, the less sense I make to the world, the better I feel about what I believe.  I would rather be radical than worldly.  

Seek Him.

Update...

I have tried to update here a few times but just couldn't get the words out.  So here's one more attempt...

On Wednesday, a neurosurgeon at UAB removed a baseball sized tumor from my mother's brain.  He feels that it is cancerous, that it was an aggressive tumor, and that it had probably only been there a matter of weeks.  Because if its size, it had pressed into the brain and shifted it over to the other side.  Her brain had swollen a lot, and all of this combined is what left her looking and sounding like she had suffered a stroke.  She lost most of the use of her left side, and her speech remains slurred and mouth a little droopy. She looks like she's been in fight... her left eye is badly blackened from the fall she took Monday morning, and then there's the obvious bandage over her surgical area on the right side of her head.  She will be moved to a rehab facility in Montgomery on Monday to get some help regaining all her motor skills.  We won't know how much will return until they start working with her.  Of course, with an aggressive tumor, there's a risk of it growing back quickly.  We are still waiting on the path report to come in and to talk with my mother's oncologist about her treatment options.  So there are a lot of things still up in the air.

I have learned in the last couple of months through the reading of a book that patients and family members dealing with chronic/terminal illness all go through similar waves of emotion.  I don't use the word stages because you weave in and out of them, going back and forth between several in a week's time or even throughout the course of a day instead of conquering one and moving to the next in any subsequent order.  When I read this in black and white, I found such relief.  For months, I thought to myself, "Why am I mourning her before she's even gone?  Why do I feel so sad one minute, angry the next, peaceful a few hours later?"  I thought I was crazy.  I thought that the internal battle within me, one in which I had to convince myself to stay in the very moment I stood in, was not normal.  So it was such a relief to see that what I experienced was completely normal.

Patients and family float in between the following stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I may be in one stage today, and every single member of my family might claim a different one.  That's what complicates things so drastically, but being aware that dealing with this awful disease is ever changing for all of us helps me be more patient with myself and everyone around me.  We are all fighting a battle within to make sense of what's going on around us.

So, me... I am hovering in the sadness right now.  I hesitate to call it depression because it's not quite that.  To me, there's a big difference between sadness and depression.  With sadness, there's still hope; depression knows no hope.  My sadness mainly stems from watching my sweet mama go through so much.  Watching her experience so much pain.  And the mama in me wants to take over and take care of not only her but my daddy and my brothers as well.  I want to put everyone under my mama wings and protect them.  But I can't...

I am finding that every single step... like, literal physical step... these days takes the strength of God.  I am nothing without Him.  I would be stricken to my bed in a fetal position after this week if not for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.  And I am now discovering there is no strength outside of Him.  I hate it that it takes the crap of life to draw me closer to Him, but at least there is a benefit.  I can see no other good coming from it outside of that dependence on Him.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:4-7


And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28


You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you forever.  Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.  Isaiah 26:3-4


But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.  Psalm 13:5-6

My portion...

There are some days in life for which you can never be fully prepared.  Yesterday was one of those.

My mother had not been doing so well recently.  That was part of my blogger's block... I wanted so desperately to write about it, use the stroke of the keys to cope with the insanity of it all.  But I couldn't.  Her liver scan and blood work had looked so good about a month ago, but my heart told me something bigger was happening.  She just didn't seem herself, and she was struggling physically in different ways than she had before.  But there weren't words to describe it.  No way to explain it.  Her oncologist had dismissed the various symptoms as a phenomena known as chemo brain, and she certainly met the description.  Only, over time, it wasn't improving.  In fact, the symptoms were getting worse and more noticeable, and her doctor had ordered an MRI, which was scheduled for this very afternoon.  But my mother wouldn't make it to today's appointment.

We believe she suffered a seizure yesterday morning while she was trying to feed the dogs.  My father found her, out cold, on the wood floor, and he called the paramedics.  Vital signs looked good, so my dad opted to take her to the ER himself.  A CT scan revealed a large mass in the right side of her head, so large that her brain is pushed over to the left side.  Her physical condition at this point is stable but mimics that of a stroke patient.  Her speech is slurred, the left side of her body not fully functional, and the droop of the mouth so common in stroke patients is quite noticeable.

A further MRI was done, and a brain surgeon has given his best eye-glance diagnosis.  He feels certain it is a benign tumor, but there is no treatment other than surgery to remove it.  Because of the tumor's size and placement, he didn't feel comfortable with doing the surgery there in Montgomery and suggested we find a surgeon in Birmingham where my mother has received all her treatments and had any procedures related to her cancer.

When I say that yesterday was the most emotionally draining day of my life, I am not exaggerating.  It was up, it was down, it was all around.  My main prayer for myself was for God to get me through the day, to give me all I needed in each individual moment.  And He did.  He is amazing like that.  God never falls short.

This morning, I read in my Jesus Calling devotional book.  Ironically, my mother gave it to me back in the fall of last year.  I missed yesterday's reading, so I read it, too.  Here's a little piece of it:
Your gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow.  If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat.  You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today.  It is in the present moment that I walk close to you, helping you carry your burdens.  Keep your focus on My Presence in the present.

How timely.  And one of the Scriptures corresponding with the devotion for today was from Psalm 73.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:23-26)

The referenced Scripture in the book was only the 23rd verse, but as I read on, the passage just touched my heart.  I thought it was incredibly fitting in the present situation.  Flesh and hearts fail, but God is forever.  He is our portion.

He was my portion yesterday.  He gave me just enough.  Not lacking, not too much, but all that I needed in every single moment of the day.  And I am so thankful to Him.  As usual, we covet your prayers for my mother as we fight to find answers, get a thorough diagnosis, and deal with whatever treatment options there are available to her.  

Greetings from Dr. Mom...

Even though I've been quiet over here in my little corner of the blogosphere, things have not been quiet at home.  David was sick with his third stomach virus of the school year last week, and now Madalyn is sick with a possible third bout with strep.  She's still asleep, so I haven't been able to formally assess her... the 2:30 am medicine dose and cuddle time doesn't allow Dr. Mom adequate amount of light and consciousness to make a diagnosis.

In other news, David got his braces put on yesterday.  Within three hours of leaving the office, I heard the words, "Mama, is this bracket loose or something?"  Surely not, I thought.  But, alas, we already have a bracket unattached to the tooth.  I am waiting a call back from the office to see when they want us to come in to have that fixed.  I had braces on my teeth for five years of my life and never had a bracket pop.  I am hoping this is not a sign of what the entire process will be like with David.

In case you didn't know, Lent begins tomorrow.  After several years of pondering Lent, of thinking about what I would give up if I observed it, of wondering what I should do, I have finally decided to participate in the tradition of sacrifice this year.  I won't be sharing here openly what I am giving up, but my closest friends know, and I will be writing out a formal covenant with God about it tomorrow.  I believe it will be a key exercise in self control for me, which is an attribute that I need to work on the most.

So there's a little update.  If I can get my kids well then I may have the ability to complete a thought in my brain.  Sleep deprivation and noxious fumes from nasty stomach viruses do not aid in the completion of thoughts.  Just take my word for it...

Be My Valentine...

Valentine's Day... I am not a fan.  Never have been.  Maybe it stems back to my middle school days when I was chubby, acne-ridden, and not-so-stylishly dressed.  Needless to say, I wasn't the apple of many pre-pubescent boys' eyes back in the day.  While the pretty, popular, cheerleader girls were getting candy grams and balloons and flowers from their little boyfriends that they held hands with in the dark of the movie theater each weekend,  I felt unlovable.  Just typing that makes me sad and makes me like Valentine's Day even less than I did thirty seconds ago.

Even in high school after I shed those baby fat pounds, grew a few slight curves to the physique, and learned to bat my eyelashes perfectly curled and mascara-ed up, I never had a Valentine.  My first and only real boyfriend ~ the one that lasted more than a couple of dates and that gave me his class ring to wear ~ broke up with my just a week or so before the day of hearts.  I was devastated.  My mom surprised me that year on Valentine's morning with the cutest little teddy bear.  I still have him tucked away downstairs somewhere.

I guess I always had some commercialized notion of what it meant to have a Valentine, and once I finally got one (who turned out to be the wrong one) I was sorely disappointed.  The roses always died.  The young man that gave them was a shallow pan of love.  He demanded more than he gave; he took more than he contributed.  All those years of pining, of envying the girls who had someone, of feeling unlovable because I didn't get a bouquet of stupid flowers on a specific day of the year... well, nothing had changed.  I still felt unlovable but for different reasons.

Just a few short years ago, with nearly ten years of marriage and two kids on my record, I still felt the same way that chubby thirteen year old girl felt.  Unlovable.  Disappointed.  Lonely.  Like something was missing.  And then I read Isaiah, the most beautiful love letter I have ever read.  I felt God speaking to me through the ancient Words, beckoning me, calling me toward Him through lovely Words I had always dreamed of hearing from a physical Valentine.  The thirteen year old within me melted away.  The mistreated young bride, dejected and disappointed by her first husband, was quieted.  The disheveled mom of two, the one who seldom wears anything fancier than a tee shirt and feels less than appreciated... well, her ears perked up.

On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine - the best of meats and finest of wines.  On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever.  The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth.  The LORD has spoken.  {25:6-8}

"But you, O Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you.  I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and not rejected you.  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." {41:8-10}

"You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down.  Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it; I, the LORD, have created it." {45:8}

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.  Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.  You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.  For your Maker is your husband - the LORD Almighty is his name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth." {54:4-5}

All those years... the ones I felt unlovable and ugly and left out... He was already there, wanting to be the central focus of my heart, wanting to fill those voids and spread His unfailing Love all over my soul.  I just never saw it.  I never understood the depth of the Love of God until I read Isaiah.  It's a book so full of promise, mainly of the Savior to come one day.  But it's the courting of the people of Israel, a calling for them to simply come to Him and bask in His salvation, to rest on His promises instead of making alliances with His enemies and putting other things before Him.  I realized that these words, all 66 chapters worth, were so applicable to my life today.  God wants to be my Valentine, the focus of my soul's heart, putting no other relationship first.  Why couldn't I have seen that when I was 13?  At least by 18???  Perhaps I could have avoided some major hurts in my life if I had seen God for who He really wanted to be to me...

Spend some time today pondering on God's Love for you.  The type of Love that never fails, never disappoints, never leaves, never grows weary or aggravated.  The type of Love that has already given everything for your soul.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." {Romans 5:8}   

Chances...

I've been going over a conversation I had with my dearest Madalyn earlier this week while I washed and conditioned her hair.  Here's a little recap...

"Mama, do you remember that time when I was still in kindergarten when I kept saying that bad word and kept getting in trouble.  You know, oh my..."

"Oh, yes, I do remember."

"I just kept saying it and saying it."  She's doing her little laugh while talking thing that she does in this breathy sort of way as if to tisk~tisk herself.

"Well, it's not a bad word exactly.  It's disrespectful toward God.  It hurts His feelings when you use His Name that way.  And you just shouldn't say it."

"Well I don't want to do that."  Her big brown eyes are swimming around in thought as I am rinsing her hair.  "I like God.  He just keeps on giving us another chance."

"Yes, He does."  I was delighted to hear her come to such a realization in her own little head.

"But not bad people.  He doesn't give them more chances."

"Yes, Madalyn, He does.  Even the bad people get more chances.  He forgives us and gives us a chance to do better."

She was floored.  "What?  Even the bad people?  Like robbers?"  I nodded.  "Well I just love that God..."

Me, too, Madalyn.  Me, too.  Now more than ever before.  And I was so glad to have the chance to share with her at her tender age that God keeps giving us all another chance.  This is a concept that makes no sense in the world.  Endless chances are unheard of here.  If I keep screwing up at work, eventually I will get fired.  If I continue to make mistakes in my marriage, my spouse will leave.  If I don't make my house payment, if I am not a good friend, if I leave the biscuits in the oven too long... a loss will incur.  Our world is tangible and conditional.  God's Love is neither.

I want my kids to know that.  When you tell that lie, when you drink that first sip of alcohol when you're way too young, when you go too far on a date with someone you think you may love, when you think you've done something unforgivable... think again.  He is not finished with you.  He has more to give, more love, more mercy, more grace.  His supply is unending.  He will never leave you.

Because of the LORD's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  {Lamentations 3:22-23}


"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."  {Isaiah 43:1b}